Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Blame it on the rain.

It's been a soggy past couple of weeks here, so the title serves as an ode to our weather as well as a wee bit cheesy intro into our topic.  Blame, as the title says, is not just the subject of a catchy, early 90's pop song.  Today, we're talking about sex and how related acts, items, or subjects become the scapegoats for relationship trouble and/or destruction.  The question that is hardest to answer when dealing with sexually related relationship troubles is, is that big, accusatory blame finger being pointed in the right direction?  Is the sex to blame, or is it really something else?  After all, like our lip-synching friends, Milli Vanilli, said, "You gotta blame it on somethin'" and "Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you!"  

So what do we mean when we're talking about blame and sex?  First off, sex is a generally strong human motivator and isn't merely a simple physical response.  Sexual desire has its roots firmly planted in the brain and is a relatively complicated human experience.  It is distinctly ours by genetics and is further shaped and molded by various social experiences.  We often tell our customers that our sexuality is as unique to our individual selves as our thumbprint, no two of them are exactly the same. 

The relevance of our singular sexual identities to the topic is that we all experience, express, and pursue sexual experiences for reasons that could easily remain a mystery to those around us.  However, unlike our thumbprints, we don't simply have a physical "sexuality" that we can easily identify on our bodies and present for review to anyone needing the information.  Since the brain is the body's largest sex organ, sex is inextricably linked to all the other emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that make us human beings.  These connections, ladies and gentlemen, is where sex often becomes the unfortunate blame receptor of any social troubles that happen to involve it.  It is often not the act itself, but the manner and context in which it was performed that creates negative consequences.

Ok, ok, to the point.  Let us cover a few easier and well known examples.  First, a big one... cheating.  A despicable deed by nearly everyone's account.  It might be obvious to ask "Why is it bad?".  Because the accused cheater had sex with a person other than their partner, right?!?  Not entirely.  Sex of some sort was involved for sure, but the real crime was in breach of trust, betrayal.  The wandering partner broke a substantial portion of the relationship contract.  After the heart breaking discovery is made, something like this might be heard, "It wasn't the sex, it's that they lied about it."  Without trust, a relationship has little chance of surviving.

Second... "sex addiction".  This so-called (and erroneous in our opinion) affliction has made some infamous appearances in the news over the past couple years.  It has been used to describe individuals who are so obsessed with sex they are engaging in acts that damage either themselves or those around them.  Again, sex of some kind is involved.  However, the sexual acts themselves hold no blame. It is our belief that the compulsive sexual behavior isn't coming from an out of control sex drive, but an out of control psyche.  The "sex addict" is using sex as their destructive tool and engaging in sexual activities unhealthy to them and those around them.  

Third... porn viewing.  What we mean by this is cases where porn viewing is blamed in itself for destroying relationships or turning men, even women, into twisted, desensitized souls or sex addicts (see above).  We don't believe this to be true.  In the first instance, there is often an underlying relationship issue at play and in the second, an underlying psychological glitch.  Porn has been blamed for causing one of the above two examples (cheating/betrayal and addiction) in some form.  What is frequently the case is two people not connecting well in their intimate relationship, and often in their day to day personal relationships.  As to twisting minds... porn is viewed by countless millions and the vast majority enjoy a perfectly healthy sexual and personal life.  

The point we are making with the examples above is that relationship troubles involving sex go deeper than the acts themselves.  People wield various tools of self-destruction or combat psychological distress in numerous ways, sexual expression (or lack of) is one of them.  The act itself is only as powerful as the psychology behind it.  In the US, where we are diagnosis happy and sexual discussion is generally repressed, the sex itself makes a convenient blame receptor. 

This doesn't make the solving relationship troubles any easier or justify bad behavior.  We are strong believers that good sex, and a good relationship, thrive on constant, open, and non-judgmental communication.  We cannot say this or emphasize this enough.  It will creates\ an environment where we can not only best satisfy each other sexually (kinks and all), but best help in addressing psychological tendencies that drive us into making destructive choices sexually.   For each example above, we believe it is quite possible that conflict could be averted if the parties involved summoned the courage to communicate before acting.  Some troubled relationships simply don't work, but some certainly can if only we can look at sex as not the cause but as a symptom.  

PS - Don't forget, communicating about an act, then doing it regardless of consent still doesn't justify its expression.

PPS -  We apologize if Blame it on the Rain is now stuck in your head. 




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