So you want to G-Spot orgasm? What's a girl to do?? How's a guy to help?? Everyone is talking about it, but no one is telling us how to do it! Never fear, we're here to help with some practical, non-sensational advice. All right then, first let us introduce the topic with some brief history and background.
The "G-Spot". Never has such a spot on the human body been so talked about, so raved about, and so very shrouded in mystery. Named after a German-born physician, Ernst Gräfenberg, the spot's physical existence (location, structure, definition) is hotly debated even today. What IS undeniable is the numerous women who report sexual response resulting from stimulation of the anterior (front) wall of the vagina. Women have reported massive, deep orgasms resulting from the G-spot, some even experiencing female ejaculation with these orgasms (expulsion of fluid, not urine). Recently it has been theorized that the nerve endings and internal structures of the clitoris extend down to the vagina, enabling these vaginal orgasms.
Ever since entering mainstream consciousness in the early 80's, countless women have sought the explosive, deep orgasms promised of the G-spot. Many have failed, frustrated and un-orgasmed (is that even a word?). We are here to tell you there are ways to find and enjoy your G-spot, but to enjoy the journey and not obsess with the destination. Every woman's capacity to stimulate this sensitive spot in the vagina varies from one to the next. Sex toys and other accessories lay claim to being made for the G-spot, but there is more to it than putting a toy inside and expecting one-click away, rocking orgasms.
Without further ado, we will now move on to the heart of the matter.... the where and the how of unlocking the mystery of the G-spot.
WHERE: One of the troubles with the G-spot is it isn't really a spot, with a unique physical differentiation. It doesn't announce itself like a penis or the clitoris. For every woman this area is different in size, location, and level of sensitivity. Sometimes the pesky thing can seem to have a mind of its own, shifting in location and feel (usually related to levels of arousal). If you are having difficulties finding it, this is normal and practice is vital (remember... it's the journey, not the destination!).
On the human map, the g-spot is located just inside the vagina on the anterior (front) wall. Depending on the woman this could be around one to three inches from the opening, but please skip the ruler as this is a generalized measurement. The spot itself is not just one single spot. It is textured, spongy tissue running along the urethra, right against the vagina, that swells during arousal. This tissue is sometimes referred to as the "female prostate" (aka paraurethral glands or skene glands) and is the source of female ejaculate. Female ejaculation is another hotly debated sexual response and when experienced is a result of direct G-spot stimulation.
The easiest method to use in locating the G-spot is inserting one or two fingers, palms facing front of the G-spot owner's body, and curling them in a "come here" type motion. The tips of the finger should be massaging the G-spot area. Because the tissue surrounds the urethra, G-spot massage often comes with the sensation of needing to pee.
HOW: Now you know where the spot is (maybe, sort of?), how does one go about getting it to respond to attention? This can be just as frustrating, and closely related to, finding the G-spot. The three key ingredients to G-spot stimulation... patience, practice, and pressure. Patience is required as a G-spot orgasm is most often not reached overnight, nor even G-spot pleasure in general. Thus, one must practice. The more often you try stimulating the G-spot, the easier it becomes to attain pleasurable results. Lastly, firm pressure from your fingers or toys is essential. Some women may be fine with light stroking, but most will need constant and firm pressure to get results.
Starting out, prospective G-spot explorers should begin with their own fingers. Get familiar with your vagina by touching and massaging the entrance and working your way inward. Pay attention to any changes in texture, paying special attention when you have reached the front facing wall of the vagina. Feel side to side and up and down and try to determine if you detect a spongy structure just under the skin. Curl your fingers and experiment with pressure strokes, from light to very firm. Getting a hand cramp and sore wrist yet? Don't worry! The point of this exercise is not to work to orgasm, but to become more familiar with your body. Some of you may even have that pleasurable "aha!" moment. Repeat this exploration as many times as you like, even introduce clitoral stimulation while doing so (besides being fun, arousal can make the G-spot more prominent).
If using your own hand doesn't bother you, by all means continue if you like! If a wrenched arm and hand is not something you enjoy, the next step is to introduce a partner and/or a toy. If it is a partner have them do the same exploration activity above with their fingers (one or two). Communicate much and often. Let them know by words, sounds, or body language if they are in a good spot. Let them know to use more pressure or less, to move faster or slower. Do not get impatient if there isn't instant pleasure, or if the feeling of needing to pee persists (at least at first). Have your partner simultaneously perform oral, or one of you add a vibrator or hand for the clitoris. Don't worry if you don't orgasm that session and move on to other things, you put in some of that "practice" we talked about.
Adding a toy can make things easier for solo G-spot play, and give a partner's fingers a rest as well. There are literally hundreds of products on the market that say "G-spot" or "G" on their label. This is often because the toy simply has a curved tip and we don't recommend many of them. When selecting a good G-spot toy make sure that it does curve, that the tip is more broad than pointy (no one likes being poked in their vagina), and that it is firm and smooth. It need not vibrate, but is fine if it does. The important part is that it mimics the concept of the "come here" fingers and slides easily while under pressure. A particularly famous G-spot toy is a stainless steel arc ending with bulbous, round ends of different sizes. So, curved, firm, and smooth. Avoid overly pointy and or very soft, flexible toys no matter what the box says.
Now that you have your toy, apply it just as if it were fingers. Using with a dab of lubricant could be beneficial, and we recommend trying it solo before a partner. Then, simply insert the tip, apply pressure and begin firm, slow strokes. Adjust your movements and pressure as is pleasurable to you, and like before feel free to add clitoral stimulation.
There you are, hopefully on your way to adding the deep orgasms of the G-spot to your sexual repertoire! Again, use patience, practice often, and pay attention to pressure. Lastly, don't obsess about the destination, enjoy the journey of G-spot discovery no matter the outcome. Sex is delightful in its variety and all activities big and small contribute to enjoying every minute of it!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Fun with words!
The sex accessory industry is full of terms and labels, some more well-known than others. Save the occasional loud bar discussions about various sexual implements with your friends, many of us are rarely (if ever) exposed to the actual meanings of these words. Once again (like sex in general), we are left to our own devices to figure out what to call that toy we're after, what that lube we love is made of, or what the heck an adjustable press nipple clamp does anyway?? Part of our job here at the store is to decipher what someone is looking for when they can't find the right words to explain it, which we do gladly. We understand the challenge and try to remember that this is something we think, talk, and handle on a daily basis. How many jobs out there is it perfectly acceptable to loudly discuss "cyber cocks" or "pussy & ass strokers"? Anyway, enough of the sophisticated talk... let's discuss a few of our world's more mysterious or delightful terms so you can amaze your friends, or simply make your next shopping trip all the easier (while impressing the employees with your immense vocabulary!).
Dong/Dildo - Yes, if you've made it past puberty you've probably heard these words, but do you really know the meaning? These are usually any NON-vibrating phallic object intended for insertion (vaginal or anal). They range from ultra-realistic penis replicas with dual densities to abstract works of art made of glass or steel. What's a dong and what's a dildo, you ask? First, there really is little difference between the two. We have even struggled to nail down a definitive comparison. Our own manufacturers can't seem to make up their mind which is a dildo and which is a dong. From a customer's perspective, just choose your favorite word and go with it, we'll understand what you are talking about.
NOTE: A dildo or dong is not a vibrator. If asked for a dildo, we head to the non-vibrating section. Even saying "vibrating dildo" will help if looking for a vibrating object. Again, some manufacturers even refer to more realistic looking and feeling vibrators as vibrating dongs or dildos. Consistency in the sex toy naming department? Not so much.
BDSM - Hey now, that's not even a WORD! True, it's an acronym and umbrella term for a lifestyle, sexual activity, and/or product involving Bondage, Dominance/Discipline, Submission/Sadism, or Masochism (exact words used may vary depending on the source). BDSM has become increasingly popular and "mainstream" (50 Shades of Grey anyone?) because of relaxed attitudes and the myriad of ways and levels it can be enjoyed. If you're in the market for a blindfold, cuffs, whip, paddle, crop, nipple clamps, electro sex kit, wartenberg wheel, rope, bondage tape, spreader bar, and so VERY much more... you are a proud BDSM participant! You don't have to be a leather clad dominatrix, or a collar-lead slave submissive to enjoy BDSM. Like many aspects of sex it is however you like it, even if it is a pair of soft cuffs and a feather tickler. No matter the activity or level always remember this... the basic three principles, the foundation, of any, and we mean any, BDSM play is safe, sane, and consensual. Any BDSM interaction is at its roots an exhange of power and trust, and the three principles allow that exchange to occur for the benefit of all involved.
Rabbit - Not the fluffy, hippity hoppity kind. We're talking about the kind of vibrator that has steadily rose in popularity ever since its introduction into the US in about the mid-1980's. By itself, the word doesn't refer to any one specific product, but a whole family of vibrators that have a shaft for vaginal insertion and an attached clitoral vibrator. We prefer to refer to them as "dual vibes" as they are just that, vibrators that give a woman simultaneous stimulation to both internal and external happy spots. There are many, many different designs (including the popular rotating beads on the shaft). The word rabbit only came into use because the first dual vibes imported from Japan had the tickling part of the clitoral vibe literally shaped as bunnies, especially bunny ears. Many manufacturers still use this shape today, as well as you might see nubs, ticklers, bears, ducks, hummingbirds, butterflies, dolphins, and more!
Ben Wa Balls - We honestly don't know the exact history behind this name, and for all we know it was made up to give the product a more exotic sounding mystique and appeal (not unknown in this industry). Like "rabbit", it has become synonomous with a grouping of products that are ball shaped and intended for placement inside the vagina. Fortunately, the term "Ben Wa" is slowly disappearing in favor of more practical names like "pleasure balls" or "kegel balls".
Here is what they are for... 1) Pelvic floor muscle exercise (Kegel), and 2) Vaginal stimulation solo or with penetration. Exercise is easy to understand and explain, and one of the best uses of these products. Depending on the design and without much more detail, simply insert into vagina and hold for period of time (doing so routinely). The result will be improved sexual response, vaginal elasticity, and/or bladder control. The pleasure use is much more difficult to guarantee good results (if any results at all). The shifting/banging movement could provide sexual teasing to some women, and the pressure or novelty of their presence during intercourse could heighten sexual pleasure for others. If you're interested, go for it! That's the joy of sex, variety.
Warning! - We've heard many customers and even people within the industry say these balls are also for anal use. We strongly advise against it and this is not the products intended use. The ER of hospitals has many, many stories of objects lodged in people's rectums. We're sure most of us don't want to be the subject of those stories. Balls with connected retrieval cords may work, but are far from fail-safe. Just find an anal appropriate toy such as anal beads or ripple plugs.
That's all for this Fun With Words! Ever wonder what some sex accessory words mean, or even just a sex related word? Just ask us!
Dong/Dildo - Yes, if you've made it past puberty you've probably heard these words, but do you really know the meaning? These are usually any NON-vibrating phallic object intended for insertion (vaginal or anal). They range from ultra-realistic penis replicas with dual densities to abstract works of art made of glass or steel. What's a dong and what's a dildo, you ask? First, there really is little difference between the two. We have even struggled to nail down a definitive comparison. Our own manufacturers can't seem to make up their mind which is a dildo and which is a dong. From a customer's perspective, just choose your favorite word and go with it, we'll understand what you are talking about.
NOTE: A dildo or dong is not a vibrator. If asked for a dildo, we head to the non-vibrating section. Even saying "vibrating dildo" will help if looking for a vibrating object. Again, some manufacturers even refer to more realistic looking and feeling vibrators as vibrating dongs or dildos. Consistency in the sex toy naming department? Not so much.
BDSM - Hey now, that's not even a WORD! True, it's an acronym and umbrella term for a lifestyle, sexual activity, and/or product involving Bondage, Dominance/Discipline, Submission/Sadism, or Masochism (exact words used may vary depending on the source). BDSM has become increasingly popular and "mainstream" (50 Shades of Grey anyone?) because of relaxed attitudes and the myriad of ways and levels it can be enjoyed. If you're in the market for a blindfold, cuffs, whip, paddle, crop, nipple clamps, electro sex kit, wartenberg wheel, rope, bondage tape, spreader bar, and so VERY much more... you are a proud BDSM participant! You don't have to be a leather clad dominatrix, or a collar-lead slave submissive to enjoy BDSM. Like many aspects of sex it is however you like it, even if it is a pair of soft cuffs and a feather tickler. No matter the activity or level always remember this... the basic three principles, the foundation, of any, and we mean any, BDSM play is safe, sane, and consensual. Any BDSM interaction is at its roots an exhange of power and trust, and the three principles allow that exchange to occur for the benefit of all involved.
Rabbit - Not the fluffy, hippity hoppity kind. We're talking about the kind of vibrator that has steadily rose in popularity ever since its introduction into the US in about the mid-1980's. By itself, the word doesn't refer to any one specific product, but a whole family of vibrators that have a shaft for vaginal insertion and an attached clitoral vibrator. We prefer to refer to them as "dual vibes" as they are just that, vibrators that give a woman simultaneous stimulation to both internal and external happy spots. There are many, many different designs (including the popular rotating beads on the shaft). The word rabbit only came into use because the first dual vibes imported from Japan had the tickling part of the clitoral vibe literally shaped as bunnies, especially bunny ears. Many manufacturers still use this shape today, as well as you might see nubs, ticklers, bears, ducks, hummingbirds, butterflies, dolphins, and more!
Ben Wa Balls - We honestly don't know the exact history behind this name, and for all we know it was made up to give the product a more exotic sounding mystique and appeal (not unknown in this industry). Like "rabbit", it has become synonomous with a grouping of products that are ball shaped and intended for placement inside the vagina. Fortunately, the term "Ben Wa" is slowly disappearing in favor of more practical names like "pleasure balls" or "kegel balls".
Here is what they are for... 1) Pelvic floor muscle exercise (Kegel), and 2) Vaginal stimulation solo or with penetration. Exercise is easy to understand and explain, and one of the best uses of these products. Depending on the design and without much more detail, simply insert into vagina and hold for period of time (doing so routinely). The result will be improved sexual response, vaginal elasticity, and/or bladder control. The pleasure use is much more difficult to guarantee good results (if any results at all). The shifting/banging movement could provide sexual teasing to some women, and the pressure or novelty of their presence during intercourse could heighten sexual pleasure for others. If you're interested, go for it! That's the joy of sex, variety.
Warning! - We've heard many customers and even people within the industry say these balls are also for anal use. We strongly advise against it and this is not the products intended use. The ER of hospitals has many, many stories of objects lodged in people's rectums. We're sure most of us don't want to be the subject of those stories. Balls with connected retrieval cords may work, but are far from fail-safe. Just find an anal appropriate toy such as anal beads or ripple plugs.
That's all for this Fun With Words! Ever wonder what some sex accessory words mean, or even just a sex related word? Just ask us!
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Getting down and strapping on
Strap-ons. A combination of wearable harness and dildo or dong that remains a complete mystery to some, and the go-to sexual accessory for others. For many folks may have some preconceived notions about who might use a strap-on, or why, they might be surprised. Strap-on use is quite popular across all sexes and orientations, and this popularity only seems to grow. Not only do we see this in our own store, but the growing volume of web sites, product variety, retail floor space, how-to's, and adult film focused on strap-on usage is a strong indicator of just how much. So strap in, strap on, and read on about the uses of this increasingly popular sex toy.
Who uses them?
Lesbian couples - A strap on is a great toy for female couples looking to add penetration to their sexual repertoire. No matter the sexual orientation of its owner, many a vagina still enjoys penetration. A strap on not only provides internal (vaginal or anal) stimulation to the receiver, but the wearer experiences being in control and giving of pleasure to their partner. For some it also adds a sense of excitement to gender role switch, power play, or fit into sexual roles of the "top" (wearer) and "bottom" (receiver).
Straight women - Increasing in popularity is straight women wearing a strap on to use on their male partners, commonly known as "pegging". It may surprise some but we estimate we sell strap ons more frequently to straight couples than not. Couples who enjoy gender role reversal, or female domination, often find a strap on a fantastic toy. Women can find that wearing the male equivalent of sexual virility gives them a sense of power unlike any other. Also, many straight men have discovered that anal and prostate stimulation are great sources of pleasure after pushing aside the false belief that anal pleasure makes them "gay".
Straight or gay men - Wait, men already have penises, right? Why would they need a strap on for? This is a question we overhear countless times when shoppers pass the strap on section and see those featured on men. There are three reasons why. First, to add inches or girth. For guys wanting to grant their partner a bigger penis a strap on gives them the ability to be whichever size they and their partner want. Second, for erection issues. When for whatever reason a man is having difficulty gaining or keeping an erection, a strap on never quits. Lastly, to double penetrate. A strap on gives a straight man another penis, so to speak, to provide anal and vaginal pleasure simultaneously.
What kinds are there?
There are a variety of styles. The differences fall in either the harness itself or the inserts (dildos/dongs/plugs).
The harnesses can differ in materials used, how they fasten and tighten, and in number of straps. Materials used vary from nylon, plastics, neoprene, and leather. Neoprene and nylon clean easier and breath, while leather has a distinct look and feel and is quite strong. Most harnesses on the market fasten their dong on by a ring that holds the flared based against the wearers body once the harness is tightened. One manufacturer uses a plug system that inserts into a specifically made dong to hold it on the harness. Both designs allow the user to change attachments.
Strap count indicates weather a harness is a "single" or "double" strap harness, meaning how many straps run between the legs of the wearer. A single strap harness looks a lot like a pair of underwear and has a single crotch strap running from front to back. A double strap harness has two straps running from the front, down around each thigh and back up to the waist strap. This difference is fairly important as double strap harnesses allow access to the genitals and anus, as well as giving male wearers a more comfortable way to tuck their non-erect penis.
The attachments are as numerous as there are standard dildos, a size, color, and shape for every taste. For ring harnesses a dildo/dong must have a flared base, suction cup, or "balls" to secure itself behind the ring. No need to worry, these design styles are very common. Choosing which one is entirely up to the user at this point. Look to just get started pegging? A shorter, slender dong might be a good choice. Love the look and feel of an honest to gosh erect penis? The realistic shaped and colored dildo with balls would be a great call. Looking for some vibrating fun or stimulation? Add a vibrating dong, or properly placed small vibe in the harness and the wearer (and possibly receiver) will receive some added stimulation.
Lastly, there are harness and attachment options for specific wants and kinks. Look hard enough and you can have nearly everything in a strap on. There are double ended dongs that simultaneously penetrate the wearer and receiver, and versions that have both a dong and plug (for anal or vaginal). There are double penetrating versions that allow penetration of both the vagina and anus of a female receiver. There are harnesses designed specifically for men that have hollow dongs to fit their penis in, and harnesses that have design elements to accommodate a penis and an attachment. There are thigh harnesses, foot harnesses, and head harnesses. The list goes on and on!
The world of strap ons is diverse, and there is something for everyone. Throw out any preconceived notions you might of had and you may find a strap on an important (and hot) part of your bedroom adventures!!
Thinking of strapping on? Hopefully this introduction helps and, as always, don't hesitate to ask us more questions about what to select for your strap on desires.
Who uses them?
Lesbian couples - A strap on is a great toy for female couples looking to add penetration to their sexual repertoire. No matter the sexual orientation of its owner, many a vagina still enjoys penetration. A strap on not only provides internal (vaginal or anal) stimulation to the receiver, but the wearer experiences being in control and giving of pleasure to their partner. For some it also adds a sense of excitement to gender role switch, power play, or fit into sexual roles of the "top" (wearer) and "bottom" (receiver).
Straight women - Increasing in popularity is straight women wearing a strap on to use on their male partners, commonly known as "pegging". It may surprise some but we estimate we sell strap ons more frequently to straight couples than not. Couples who enjoy gender role reversal, or female domination, often find a strap on a fantastic toy. Women can find that wearing the male equivalent of sexual virility gives them a sense of power unlike any other. Also, many straight men have discovered that anal and prostate stimulation are great sources of pleasure after pushing aside the false belief that anal pleasure makes them "gay".
Straight or gay men - Wait, men already have penises, right? Why would they need a strap on for? This is a question we overhear countless times when shoppers pass the strap on section and see those featured on men. There are three reasons why. First, to add inches or girth. For guys wanting to grant their partner a bigger penis a strap on gives them the ability to be whichever size they and their partner want. Second, for erection issues. When for whatever reason a man is having difficulty gaining or keeping an erection, a strap on never quits. Lastly, to double penetrate. A strap on gives a straight man another penis, so to speak, to provide anal and vaginal pleasure simultaneously.
What kinds are there?
There are a variety of styles. The differences fall in either the harness itself or the inserts (dildos/dongs/plugs).
The harnesses can differ in materials used, how they fasten and tighten, and in number of straps. Materials used vary from nylon, plastics, neoprene, and leather. Neoprene and nylon clean easier and breath, while leather has a distinct look and feel and is quite strong. Most harnesses on the market fasten their dong on by a ring that holds the flared based against the wearers body once the harness is tightened. One manufacturer uses a plug system that inserts into a specifically made dong to hold it on the harness. Both designs allow the user to change attachments.
Strap count indicates weather a harness is a "single" or "double" strap harness, meaning how many straps run between the legs of the wearer. A single strap harness looks a lot like a pair of underwear and has a single crotch strap running from front to back. A double strap harness has two straps running from the front, down around each thigh and back up to the waist strap. This difference is fairly important as double strap harnesses allow access to the genitals and anus, as well as giving male wearers a more comfortable way to tuck their non-erect penis.
The attachments are as numerous as there are standard dildos, a size, color, and shape for every taste. For ring harnesses a dildo/dong must have a flared base, suction cup, or "balls" to secure itself behind the ring. No need to worry, these design styles are very common. Choosing which one is entirely up to the user at this point. Look to just get started pegging? A shorter, slender dong might be a good choice. Love the look and feel of an honest to gosh erect penis? The realistic shaped and colored dildo with balls would be a great call. Looking for some vibrating fun or stimulation? Add a vibrating dong, or properly placed small vibe in the harness and the wearer (and possibly receiver) will receive some added stimulation.
Lastly, there are harness and attachment options for specific wants and kinks. Look hard enough and you can have nearly everything in a strap on. There are double ended dongs that simultaneously penetrate the wearer and receiver, and versions that have both a dong and plug (for anal or vaginal). There are double penetrating versions that allow penetration of both the vagina and anus of a female receiver. There are harnesses designed specifically for men that have hollow dongs to fit their penis in, and harnesses that have design elements to accommodate a penis and an attachment. There are thigh harnesses, foot harnesses, and head harnesses. The list goes on and on!
The world of strap ons is diverse, and there is something for everyone. Throw out any preconceived notions you might of had and you may find a strap on an important (and hot) part of your bedroom adventures!!
Thinking of strapping on? Hopefully this introduction helps and, as always, don't hesitate to ask us more questions about what to select for your strap on desires.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Yes No Maybe
One of the biggest challenges facing many a relationship is talking about sex. We mean getting right down into it and talking details about your and your partner's sexual interests. Lack of open, honest, and non-judgmental is most often the culprit of sexual dissatisfaction in a relationship. Frequently one partner doesn't even know what the other partner is interested in doing, what they fantasize about, or what they are willing to try. The great part is that there is more than one way to communicate. When talking becomes too great a challenge, we suggest learning about one another through an activity called a "Yes/No/Maybe List".
Before we describe the what and how of the "Yes/No/Maybe List", let us preface the activity with these two helpful notes you should keep in mind:
Out with the weird: "Weird", and the concept of being outside of "normal", should absolutely be abandoned to keep a sexual relationship healthy. Many of us fear judgement or rejection when exposing our most intimate sexual interests. Trust in a relationship is vital, and we owe this respect when handling our partner's deepest sexual thoughts. Before starting your Yes/No/Maybe, forget any judgmental word. Words such as "weird", "normal", or "gross" do not exist anymore.
Be GGG: There is a very useful acronym created by Seattle based sex advice columnist Dan Savage, which is "GGG". It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and is intended as a mantra of sorts in a sexual relationship. It also makes for a great perspective on sexuality in general. It asks us to work at being good in bed, giving equal time and pleasure to your partner, and game for anything (within reason). Apply GGG when new activities are brought up, when expressing your own desires, and when your partner expresses theirs. Granted, this is an oversimplification of complex relationship dynamics, but gives us something to aspire towards.
So, instead of looking at sex as a scale with personal marks at "normal" and "kinky" or "weird", begin looking at sex as world with many ports. There isn't any "normal", and we should all strive to be GGG about our partner and with sexuality in general.
On to YES/NO/MAYBE!: You are now ready for the list, which we will abbreviate it to YNM List from here on out. It is a simple, yet effective, way to lay a lot of our sexual cards on the table for the chosen one (or more if desired) to see. At its most basic, the YNM List is a list of sexual acts, each with a "yes", "no", and "maybe" check box associated with it. The list itself can be comprised of anything and there are a number of already created versions out there on the internet. A simple web search for "yes no maybe list" should bring up plenty of results. It is probably ideal if a third party creates it so no bias creeps into the list, or any conflict over what is or is not in the list. (see bottom of this entry for short example)
Each person is given a copy to complete on their own, and only on their own. For each sex act a yes is marked if it something you do and enjoy, a no is marked if you do not like it or have absolutely no interest, and a maybe is marked if it is something you have interest in doing or are game to try. Be honest and true to yourself when answering. Expect some to be easy to answer and others to be more difficult. The list doesn't have to be completed in one sitting and is up to the discretion of those involved when to finish.
Once the YNM list is completed, it's time to compare notes. Starting at the top, both participants give their answers. If the answers match, then there is clear agreement sexually and no discussion is absolutely necessary (though no reason you can't discuss). Matching answers for an act neither of you have done together are fantastic surprises and should be worked into your sexual repertoires and soon. If the answers do not match, then here is where the YNM list can help open us up to sharing our sexual selves with our partners. This is the point in the YNM list exercise that it is most critical to remain open and non-judgmental. Remember out with the weird and GGG. Feel free to ask questions and share details and perspectives.
Pretty simple right? Simple, yet very effective. The YNM list acts as a neutral medium that brings up the topics we can discuss regarding our sexuality. It brings up the questions we may never have the courage to ask, or the acts we secretly wish would happen but just can't figure out how to suggest it. It should be fun and will most likely reveal things about ourselves and our partners that may have taken years (if ever) to be brought out into the open.
We recommend keeping your lists after they are done, maybe even jot down notes you think are important. In another year or two, repeat filling out the same YNM list. Compare your answers and discussions to previous lists and see what has changed... it might be surprising.
Examples of YNM list acts:
- Feet/toe kiss - sucking - licking
- Vaginal intercourse - penis
- Vibrator during intercourse
- Anal intercourse - penis
- Analingus
- Cunnilingus
- Spanking
- Bondage light - wrists
- Bondage heavy - wrists & ankles
- Food play
- Role playing
- Role reversal
- Dirty talk during intercourse
- Slapping
- Swinging - threesome
etc....
Before we describe the what and how of the "Yes/No/Maybe List", let us preface the activity with these two helpful notes you should keep in mind:
Out with the weird: "Weird", and the concept of being outside of "normal", should absolutely be abandoned to keep a sexual relationship healthy. Many of us fear judgement or rejection when exposing our most intimate sexual interests. Trust in a relationship is vital, and we owe this respect when handling our partner's deepest sexual thoughts. Before starting your Yes/No/Maybe, forget any judgmental word. Words such as "weird", "normal", or "gross" do not exist anymore.
Be GGG: There is a very useful acronym created by Seattle based sex advice columnist Dan Savage, which is "GGG". It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and is intended as a mantra of sorts in a sexual relationship. It also makes for a great perspective on sexuality in general. It asks us to work at being good in bed, giving equal time and pleasure to your partner, and game for anything (within reason). Apply GGG when new activities are brought up, when expressing your own desires, and when your partner expresses theirs. Granted, this is an oversimplification of complex relationship dynamics, but gives us something to aspire towards.
So, instead of looking at sex as a scale with personal marks at "normal" and "kinky" or "weird", begin looking at sex as world with many ports. There isn't any "normal", and we should all strive to be GGG about our partner and with sexuality in general.
On to YES/NO/MAYBE!: You are now ready for the list, which we will abbreviate it to YNM List from here on out. It is a simple, yet effective, way to lay a lot of our sexual cards on the table for the chosen one (or more if desired) to see. At its most basic, the YNM List is a list of sexual acts, each with a "yes", "no", and "maybe" check box associated with it. The list itself can be comprised of anything and there are a number of already created versions out there on the internet. A simple web search for "yes no maybe list" should bring up plenty of results. It is probably ideal if a third party creates it so no bias creeps into the list, or any conflict over what is or is not in the list. (see bottom of this entry for short example)
Each person is given a copy to complete on their own, and only on their own. For each sex act a yes is marked if it something you do and enjoy, a no is marked if you do not like it or have absolutely no interest, and a maybe is marked if it is something you have interest in doing or are game to try. Be honest and true to yourself when answering. Expect some to be easy to answer and others to be more difficult. The list doesn't have to be completed in one sitting and is up to the discretion of those involved when to finish.
Once the YNM list is completed, it's time to compare notes. Starting at the top, both participants give their answers. If the answers match, then there is clear agreement sexually and no discussion is absolutely necessary (though no reason you can't discuss). Matching answers for an act neither of you have done together are fantastic surprises and should be worked into your sexual repertoires and soon. If the answers do not match, then here is where the YNM list can help open us up to sharing our sexual selves with our partners. This is the point in the YNM list exercise that it is most critical to remain open and non-judgmental. Remember out with the weird and GGG. Feel free to ask questions and share details and perspectives.
Pretty simple right? Simple, yet very effective. The YNM list acts as a neutral medium that brings up the topics we can discuss regarding our sexuality. It brings up the questions we may never have the courage to ask, or the acts we secretly wish would happen but just can't figure out how to suggest it. It should be fun and will most likely reveal things about ourselves and our partners that may have taken years (if ever) to be brought out into the open.
We recommend keeping your lists after they are done, maybe even jot down notes you think are important. In another year or two, repeat filling out the same YNM list. Compare your answers and discussions to previous lists and see what has changed... it might be surprising.
Examples of YNM list acts:
- Feet/toe kiss - sucking - licking
- Vaginal intercourse - penis
- Vibrator during intercourse
- Anal intercourse - penis
- Analingus
- Cunnilingus
- Spanking
- Bondage light - wrists
- Bondage heavy - wrists & ankles
- Food play
- Role playing
- Role reversal
- Dirty talk during intercourse
- Slapping
- Swinging - threesome
etc....
Friday, June 21, 2013
Pain in my a#$
You may have guessed a little something about this entry from the title. Yes, it's going to be about anal sex. Now, we could fill many entries with information and discussions of anal sex, but for this one we will focus on one specific topic. We will be discussing anal desensitizers and how they (and pain) don't need to be a part of your rear end repertoire. If you are interested in trying anal play, merely curious, or actively partaking... the following is a must read. It is by no means groundbreaking information and many a sex expert has said this before us, but we thought we should add our voice to the mix. That is simply because this is an area we continually hear many questions (and mistakes) about.
Anyone who has tried anal play is no doubt familiar with the body's reactions to hasty anal penetration. Pain and discomfort are common experiences. Fear not! Sex product industry to the rescue! Many years ago products began hitting the market to "help" with those two conditions, claiming to ease and relax for greater pleasure. Fantastic, right!? Well, not exactly. Nearly all these products contain a common topical anesthetic that numb the nerves in the skin, in this case the nerves of the anus and anal canal. While this numbing may seem like a really helpful idea on the surface, it can actually detract from the enjoyment of anal play and even lead to bodily damage.
Fact: Anal sex does not need to hurt. We meet many customers who think that pain is just part of anal sex no matter what. We say unwanted pain has no place in any kind of sex. After all, we do it to have fun! Countless people enjoy anal play without pain or discomfort, and without any kind of anal desensitizer. The desensitizer numbs the very nerves that will give that pleasure, having the same effect as slathering the penis, clitoris, nipple, or any erogenous zone with anesthetic. A huge part of sex is the body's reaction to pleasurable stimulus, and no feeling means no stimulus. Why have sex without feeling, and thus, why have anal sex without it?
Not only is pleasure being numbed, but the pain is, too. This is the strongest reason to be careful, or not use, anal desenstizers. Pain is the body's natural reaction to real or potential harm, and a signal to do something to stop it. Pain and discomfort with anal sex is the body signalling it is worried about or is experiencing damage. If the nerves are numbed you will never know if damage is occurring. Anal tears or worse can make your day after (or longer) fairly miserable. Ironic, considering the product is meant to avoid pain and discomfort.
The pain-free solution: Lube, Relaxation, and Patience. All three of these must be present for a pleasurable anal sex encounter. A common misconception about the anal desensitizers is that they are also a lubricant. They are NOT. Another misconception (not helped by porn) is that the butt is primed and ready for penetration, no additives required. It is NOT. Lubricant, lots of it, is a must for anal. We tell our customers that once you think you have added enough, add more. You cannot over do it. The difference between too little and enough is extraordinary.
The next two ingredients for a pleasurable rear end escapade are equally important. Due to its physiological design, the anal opening isn't receptive to hasty and unwelcome visitors... but it is quite flexible and can be persuaded. The recipient must be relaxed and both parties must be patient and go about it slowly. A quote we read from an experienced anal sex participant couldn't be more appropriate here and states her partner must "romance her ass". So true. Expect a slower sexual encounter and one with active communication between partners. Do relaxing activities before hand, set expectations, and do plenty of foreplay leading up to the act. Progressive penetration can very much help those new to it, starting with smaller items and working your way up.
With the above three ingredients, you should be well on your way to enjoyable and comfortable anal sex without a desensitizer. With experience, anal play can become as regular an activity as you want it to be!
As with anything sexual, we absolutely understand every person's body and preferences are different. If you still have questions, please do not hesitate to ask us! It was what we are here for.
Anyone who has tried anal play is no doubt familiar with the body's reactions to hasty anal penetration. Pain and discomfort are common experiences. Fear not! Sex product industry to the rescue! Many years ago products began hitting the market to "help" with those two conditions, claiming to ease and relax for greater pleasure. Fantastic, right!? Well, not exactly. Nearly all these products contain a common topical anesthetic that numb the nerves in the skin, in this case the nerves of the anus and anal canal. While this numbing may seem like a really helpful idea on the surface, it can actually detract from the enjoyment of anal play and even lead to bodily damage.
Fact: Anal sex does not need to hurt. We meet many customers who think that pain is just part of anal sex no matter what. We say unwanted pain has no place in any kind of sex. After all, we do it to have fun! Countless people enjoy anal play without pain or discomfort, and without any kind of anal desensitizer. The desensitizer numbs the very nerves that will give that pleasure, having the same effect as slathering the penis, clitoris, nipple, or any erogenous zone with anesthetic. A huge part of sex is the body's reaction to pleasurable stimulus, and no feeling means no stimulus. Why have sex without feeling, and thus, why have anal sex without it?
Not only is pleasure being numbed, but the pain is, too. This is the strongest reason to be careful, or not use, anal desenstizers. Pain is the body's natural reaction to real or potential harm, and a signal to do something to stop it. Pain and discomfort with anal sex is the body signalling it is worried about or is experiencing damage. If the nerves are numbed you will never know if damage is occurring. Anal tears or worse can make your day after (or longer) fairly miserable. Ironic, considering the product is meant to avoid pain and discomfort.
The pain-free solution: Lube, Relaxation, and Patience. All three of these must be present for a pleasurable anal sex encounter. A common misconception about the anal desensitizers is that they are also a lubricant. They are NOT. Another misconception (not helped by porn) is that the butt is primed and ready for penetration, no additives required. It is NOT. Lubricant, lots of it, is a must for anal. We tell our customers that once you think you have added enough, add more. You cannot over do it. The difference between too little and enough is extraordinary.
The next two ingredients for a pleasurable rear end escapade are equally important. Due to its physiological design, the anal opening isn't receptive to hasty and unwelcome visitors... but it is quite flexible and can be persuaded. The recipient must be relaxed and both parties must be patient and go about it slowly. A quote we read from an experienced anal sex participant couldn't be more appropriate here and states her partner must "romance her ass". So true. Expect a slower sexual encounter and one with active communication between partners. Do relaxing activities before hand, set expectations, and do plenty of foreplay leading up to the act. Progressive penetration can very much help those new to it, starting with smaller items and working your way up.
With the above three ingredients, you should be well on your way to enjoyable and comfortable anal sex without a desensitizer. With experience, anal play can become as regular an activity as you want it to be!
As with anything sexual, we absolutely understand every person's body and preferences are different. If you still have questions, please do not hesitate to ask us! It was what we are here for.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Behind the sex: Keeps going and going
Last entry we talked about gentlemen lasting longer and what we share with our interested customers. That represented half of the conversation. The other half is a bit more complicated and requires a closer look at how and what we are taught about sex from day one onward. A better way of putting it might be what we are NOT taught about sex. Here is a deeper look at how American sex education has affected "lasting longer".
Many of us from childhood onward have been taught that the man puts his penis in a woman's vagina, thrusts, and ... well... something happens. What that something is depends on your source, but it is supposed to pretty dang amazing. That's sex right!? In, out, and "Kaboom!", explosive orgasms for all! To our credit, our sources of information are not exactly ideal. School sex education most often describes the bare mechanics of reproduction, penis in vagina = ejaculation with a side of pregnancy or dash of disease. Hollywood taught us with their idealistic, dramatic scenes, our friends their well-intentioned ignorance, and porn their Energizer Bunny men pistoning away for what seems like hours while the woman screams in endless pleasure.
So here we are, given keys to a car without any driver's education (or poor/inaccurate) and no experience. Small wonder couples get together and find they are fumbling about in giving and receiving pleasure. The poor man thinks his tackle and tackle alone is the key to macho Don Juan greatness, a tireless (and large) jackhammer delivering the woman to orgasmic bliss. The poor woman thinks her vagina is the matching lock to the man's key, simply insert and the door to bliss should open every time on well oiled hinges. Like a car, there is so much more to sex than stomping on the gas and hoping for the best. Giving and receiving pleasure, and orgasms, is getting to know all the dials, signs, and styles of these fantastic vehicles we've been given.
It is the rare couple, without some degree of active coordination, that reaches orgasm at the same time. Generally speaking, this is especially true with heterosexual couples (often the focus of the lasting longer issue). Men and women are simply not built the same and truly recognizing that is half the battle. A significant majority of women require some degree of direct clitoral stimulation (rubbing, vibrating, massaging, etc.) to reach orgasm. Last we checked, a man's penis does not come equipped with a clitoral stimulation protrusion. That's not to say many a woman has enjoyed an orgasm, or many, through penetration alone. We're pointing out that it is common, healthy, and normal for a woman to not.
Our physical construction hasn't doomed couples from achieving mutually pleasurable sex, it has simply created an interaction more complicated than simple in-and-out penetration. It begins with understanding how each of our bodies function, what it takes to climax, and to not climax. It requires communication and willingness to try varying activities to give and receive pleasure. Really, this is an opportunity to enjoy our sex lives through variety and experimentation. Guide your sexual experiences. Don't be afraid to go into sex by establishing if it's going to be an explosive quickie or a slow burn that means orgasms for both partners. Also, don't be afraid to communicate your desires through words or touch during sex, a simple "slower", "faster", "right now!" or "grab that vibrator" does wonders.
Please believe us when we say to not expect spectacular synchronized orgasms from standard, non-coordinated, penetrative intercourse. Men, you are not lousy performers. Women, you are not broken or "in-orgasmic". You are most likely two normal people needing to vary and coordinate your sexual activities. Come together and stand and speak up for your sex life. Explore different ways to stimulate one another, different positions/accessories/scenarios, and set expectations.... and by all means enjoy the ride! (pun intended)
Many of us from childhood onward have been taught that the man puts his penis in a woman's vagina, thrusts, and ... well... something happens. What that something is depends on your source, but it is supposed to pretty dang amazing. That's sex right!? In, out, and "Kaboom!", explosive orgasms for all! To our credit, our sources of information are not exactly ideal. School sex education most often describes the bare mechanics of reproduction, penis in vagina = ejaculation with a side of pregnancy or dash of disease. Hollywood taught us with their idealistic, dramatic scenes, our friends their well-intentioned ignorance, and porn their Energizer Bunny men pistoning away for what seems like hours while the woman screams in endless pleasure.
So here we are, given keys to a car without any driver's education (or poor/inaccurate) and no experience. Small wonder couples get together and find they are fumbling about in giving and receiving pleasure. The poor man thinks his tackle and tackle alone is the key to macho Don Juan greatness, a tireless (and large) jackhammer delivering the woman to orgasmic bliss. The poor woman thinks her vagina is the matching lock to the man's key, simply insert and the door to bliss should open every time on well oiled hinges. Like a car, there is so much more to sex than stomping on the gas and hoping for the best. Giving and receiving pleasure, and orgasms, is getting to know all the dials, signs, and styles of these fantastic vehicles we've been given.
It is the rare couple, without some degree of active coordination, that reaches orgasm at the same time. Generally speaking, this is especially true with heterosexual couples (often the focus of the lasting longer issue). Men and women are simply not built the same and truly recognizing that is half the battle. A significant majority of women require some degree of direct clitoral stimulation (rubbing, vibrating, massaging, etc.) to reach orgasm. Last we checked, a man's penis does not come equipped with a clitoral stimulation protrusion. That's not to say many a woman has enjoyed an orgasm, or many, through penetration alone. We're pointing out that it is common, healthy, and normal for a woman to not.
Our physical construction hasn't doomed couples from achieving mutually pleasurable sex, it has simply created an interaction more complicated than simple in-and-out penetration. It begins with understanding how each of our bodies function, what it takes to climax, and to not climax. It requires communication and willingness to try varying activities to give and receive pleasure. Really, this is an opportunity to enjoy our sex lives through variety and experimentation. Guide your sexual experiences. Don't be afraid to go into sex by establishing if it's going to be an explosive quickie or a slow burn that means orgasms for both partners. Also, don't be afraid to communicate your desires through words or touch during sex, a simple "slower", "faster", "right now!" or "grab that vibrator" does wonders.
Please believe us when we say to not expect spectacular synchronized orgasms from standard, non-coordinated, penetrative intercourse. Men, you are not lousy performers. Women, you are not broken or "in-orgasmic". You are most likely two normal people needing to vary and coordinate your sexual activities. Come together and stand and speak up for your sex life. Explore different ways to stimulate one another, different positions/accessories/scenarios, and set expectations.... and by all means enjoy the ride! (pun intended)
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Keeps going, and going, and going...
We get a lot of questions down at the shop. We love questions. They keep our job new and interesting (though it certainly is already). More importantly, questions help us help the customer in buying what they need/want. Some questions we receive more often than others, and one of those goes something like this: "What can make me last longer?" As you may have guessed, it is men asking the question. Nearly every time it is asked it is because the man would like to delay ejaculation and orgasm and have penetrative intercourse (yes, so clinical) for a longer period of time. Ready for our answer? We are about to reveal a huge industry secret...
... you can't. Wait, what do we mean by "you can't"??? What we mean, unfortunately, is there isn't anything on the market that will give a man what he is wanting. Hold on, yes, there are products out there that are supposed to meet this very need. Allow us to explain in greater depth what we tell our customers about these products and what we ultimately recommend.
We tell our customers that we offer three products that can contribute to "lasting longer". First, there are the delay creams and sprays which contain small amounts of a topical anesthetic, usually lidocaine or benzocaine. When applied to the penis (primarily the very sensitive head) they will desensitize it and delay ejaculation. Second, there are rings. A ring's primary function is to trap blood inside the penis and help attain, firm, and keep an erection. Third, there are enhancement pills. Similar to rings, the pills help attain, firm, and keep an erection by improving blood flow into the penis.
These are the three "lasting longer" related products we discuss with our customers. Of the three products, the delay creams and sprays are the only products whose sole purpose is to delay ejaculation in men. Sounds simple, what's the catch? First, the anesthetics are common and normally harmless, but apply too much and the user will feel next to nothing. The likely result of a numb penis is a lost erection and lost chance of even attempting to last longer. Second, and more importantly, is just how much delay is achieved. Let's say a man lasts 5 minutes normally. Assuming he hasn't numbed his penis completely, he might gain another minute or two. That is a best case scenario and most men are looking for better results.
The rings and pills with their potentially fuller erections may result in greater sensitivity. Despite tricky language neither of these options will necessarily delay ejaculation. What they can do is help achieve an erection after ejaculating, and through this faster recovery enable a man to "go longer". The question is, after the first ejaculation and orgasm will either party have the desire, patience, or ability to continue? There is no doubt many men enjoy a second round, but everyone is different and those interested in "longer" are looking to simply delay this inevitable interruption.
With all three methods, it is questionable if any are truly what our customers are seeking, which is a reliable method to significantly delay ejaculation. Despite our really wanting to sell a product to help, our recomendation is to simply buy nothing. Instead, we advise men to get in tune with their bodies (and their partner's) and stop before ejaculation, do other sexual activities, perform oral sex or manual stimulation on your partner, change the position or speed, or introduce a vibrator for her during sex. Varying and mutually guiding your sexual experiences will be far more satisfying for the long term and delay products an unnecessary component (in this context at least).
... you can't. Wait, what do we mean by "you can't"??? What we mean, unfortunately, is there isn't anything on the market that will give a man what he is wanting. Hold on, yes, there are products out there that are supposed to meet this very need. Allow us to explain in greater depth what we tell our customers about these products and what we ultimately recommend.
We tell our customers that we offer three products that can contribute to "lasting longer". First, there are the delay creams and sprays which contain small amounts of a topical anesthetic, usually lidocaine or benzocaine. When applied to the penis (primarily the very sensitive head) they will desensitize it and delay ejaculation. Second, there are rings. A ring's primary function is to trap blood inside the penis and help attain, firm, and keep an erection. Third, there are enhancement pills. Similar to rings, the pills help attain, firm, and keep an erection by improving blood flow into the penis.
These are the three "lasting longer" related products we discuss with our customers. Of the three products, the delay creams and sprays are the only products whose sole purpose is to delay ejaculation in men. Sounds simple, what's the catch? First, the anesthetics are common and normally harmless, but apply too much and the user will feel next to nothing. The likely result of a numb penis is a lost erection and lost chance of even attempting to last longer. Second, and more importantly, is just how much delay is achieved. Let's say a man lasts 5 minutes normally. Assuming he hasn't numbed his penis completely, he might gain another minute or two. That is a best case scenario and most men are looking for better results.
The rings and pills with their potentially fuller erections may result in greater sensitivity. Despite tricky language neither of these options will necessarily delay ejaculation. What they can do is help achieve an erection after ejaculating, and through this faster recovery enable a man to "go longer". The question is, after the first ejaculation and orgasm will either party have the desire, patience, or ability to continue? There is no doubt many men enjoy a second round, but everyone is different and those interested in "longer" are looking to simply delay this inevitable interruption.
With all three methods, it is questionable if any are truly what our customers are seeking, which is a reliable method to significantly delay ejaculation. Despite our really wanting to sell a product to help, our recomendation is to simply buy nothing. Instead, we advise men to get in tune with their bodies (and their partner's) and stop before ejaculation, do other sexual activities, perform oral sex or manual stimulation on your partner, change the position or speed, or introduce a vibrator for her during sex. Varying and mutually guiding your sexual experiences will be far more satisfying for the long term and delay products an unnecessary component (in this context at least).
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Blame it on the rain.
It's been a soggy past couple of weeks here, so the title serves as an ode to our weather as well as a wee bit cheesy intro into our topic. Blame, as the title says, is not just the subject of a catchy, early 90's pop song. Today, we're talking about sex and how related acts, items, or subjects become the scapegoats for relationship trouble and/or destruction. The question that is hardest to answer when dealing with sexually related relationship troubles is, is that big, accusatory blame finger being pointed in the right direction? Is the sex to blame, or is it really something else? After all, like our lip-synching friends, Milli Vanilli, said, "You gotta blame it on somethin'" and "Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you!"
So what do we mean when we're talking about blame and sex? First off, sex is a generally strong human motivator and isn't merely a simple physical response. Sexual desire has its roots firmly planted in the brain and is a relatively complicated human experience. It is distinctly ours by genetics and is further shaped and molded by various social experiences. We often tell our customers that our sexuality is as unique to our individual selves as our thumbprint, no two of them are exactly the same.
The relevance of our singular sexual identities to the topic is that we all experience, express, and pursue sexual experiences for reasons that could easily remain a mystery to those around us. However, unlike our thumbprints, we don't simply have a physical "sexuality" that we can easily identify on our bodies and present for review to anyone needing the information. Since the brain is the body's largest sex organ, sex is inextricably linked to all the other emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that make us human beings. These connections, ladies and gentlemen, is where sex often becomes the unfortunate blame receptor of any social troubles that happen to involve it. It is often not the act itself, but the manner and context in which it was performed that creates negative consequences.
Ok, ok, to the point. Let us cover a few easier and well known examples. First, a big one... cheating. A despicable deed by nearly everyone's account. It might be obvious to ask "Why is it bad?". Because the accused cheater had sex with a person other than their partner, right?!? Not entirely. Sex of some sort was involved for sure, but the real crime was in breach of trust, betrayal. The wandering partner broke a substantial portion of the relationship contract. After the heart breaking discovery is made, something like this might be heard, "It wasn't the sex, it's that they lied about it." Without trust, a relationship has little chance of surviving.
Second... "sex addiction". This so-called (and erroneous in our opinion) affliction has made some infamous appearances in the news over the past couple years. It has been used to describe individuals who are so obsessed with sex they are engaging in acts that damage either themselves or those around them. Again, sex of some kind is involved. However, the sexual acts themselves hold no blame. It is our belief that the compulsive sexual behavior isn't coming from an out of control sex drive, but an out of control psyche. The "sex addict" is using sex as their destructive tool and engaging in sexual activities unhealthy to them and those around them.
Third... porn viewing. What we mean by this is cases where porn viewing is blamed in itself for destroying relationships or turning men, even women, into twisted, desensitized souls or sex addicts (see above). We don't believe this to be true. In the first instance, there is often an underlying relationship issue at play and in the second, an underlying psychological glitch. Porn has been blamed for causing one of the above two examples (cheating/betrayal and addiction) in some form. What is frequently the case is two people not connecting well in their intimate relationship, and often in their day to day personal relationships. As to twisting minds... porn is viewed by countless millions and the vast majority enjoy a perfectly healthy sexual and personal life.
The point we are making with the examples above is that relationship troubles involving sex go deeper than the acts themselves. People wield various tools of self-destruction or combat psychological distress in numerous ways, sexual expression (or lack of) is one of them. The act itself is only as powerful as the psychology behind it. In the US, where we are diagnosis happy and sexual discussion is generally repressed, the sex itself makes a convenient blame receptor.
This doesn't make the solving relationship troubles any easier or justify bad behavior. We are strong believers that good sex, and a good relationship, thrive on constant, open, and non-judgmental communication. We cannot say this or emphasize this enough. It will creates\ an environment where we can not only best satisfy each other sexually (kinks and all), but best help in addressing psychological tendencies that drive us into making destructive choices sexually. For each example above, we believe it is quite possible that conflict could be averted if the parties involved summoned the courage to communicate before acting. Some troubled relationships simply don't work, but some certainly can if only we can look at sex as not the cause but as a symptom.
PS - Don't forget, communicating about an act, then doing it regardless of consent still doesn't justify its expression.
PPS - We apologize if Blame it on the Rain is now stuck in your head.
So what do we mean when we're talking about blame and sex? First off, sex is a generally strong human motivator and isn't merely a simple physical response. Sexual desire has its roots firmly planted in the brain and is a relatively complicated human experience. It is distinctly ours by genetics and is further shaped and molded by various social experiences. We often tell our customers that our sexuality is as unique to our individual selves as our thumbprint, no two of them are exactly the same.
The relevance of our singular sexual identities to the topic is that we all experience, express, and pursue sexual experiences for reasons that could easily remain a mystery to those around us. However, unlike our thumbprints, we don't simply have a physical "sexuality" that we can easily identify on our bodies and present for review to anyone needing the information. Since the brain is the body's largest sex organ, sex is inextricably linked to all the other emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that make us human beings. These connections, ladies and gentlemen, is where sex often becomes the unfortunate blame receptor of any social troubles that happen to involve it. It is often not the act itself, but the manner and context in which it was performed that creates negative consequences.
Ok, ok, to the point. Let us cover a few easier and well known examples. First, a big one... cheating. A despicable deed by nearly everyone's account. It might be obvious to ask "Why is it bad?". Because the accused cheater had sex with a person other than their partner, right?!? Not entirely. Sex of some sort was involved for sure, but the real crime was in breach of trust, betrayal. The wandering partner broke a substantial portion of the relationship contract. After the heart breaking discovery is made, something like this might be heard, "It wasn't the sex, it's that they lied about it." Without trust, a relationship has little chance of surviving.
Second... "sex addiction". This so-called (and erroneous in our opinion) affliction has made some infamous appearances in the news over the past couple years. It has been used to describe individuals who are so obsessed with sex they are engaging in acts that damage either themselves or those around them. Again, sex of some kind is involved. However, the sexual acts themselves hold no blame. It is our belief that the compulsive sexual behavior isn't coming from an out of control sex drive, but an out of control psyche. The "sex addict" is using sex as their destructive tool and engaging in sexual activities unhealthy to them and those around them.
Third... porn viewing. What we mean by this is cases where porn viewing is blamed in itself for destroying relationships or turning men, even women, into twisted, desensitized souls or sex addicts (see above). We don't believe this to be true. In the first instance, there is often an underlying relationship issue at play and in the second, an underlying psychological glitch. Porn has been blamed for causing one of the above two examples (cheating/betrayal and addiction) in some form. What is frequently the case is two people not connecting well in their intimate relationship, and often in their day to day personal relationships. As to twisting minds... porn is viewed by countless millions and the vast majority enjoy a perfectly healthy sexual and personal life.
The point we are making with the examples above is that relationship troubles involving sex go deeper than the acts themselves. People wield various tools of self-destruction or combat psychological distress in numerous ways, sexual expression (or lack of) is one of them. The act itself is only as powerful as the psychology behind it. In the US, where we are diagnosis happy and sexual discussion is generally repressed, the sex itself makes a convenient blame receptor.
This doesn't make the solving relationship troubles any easier or justify bad behavior. We are strong believers that good sex, and a good relationship, thrive on constant, open, and non-judgmental communication. We cannot say this or emphasize this enough. It will creates\ an environment where we can not only best satisfy each other sexually (kinks and all), but best help in addressing psychological tendencies that drive us into making destructive choices sexually. For each example above, we believe it is quite possible that conflict could be averted if the parties involved summoned the courage to communicate before acting. Some troubled relationships simply don't work, but some certainly can if only we can look at sex as not the cause but as a symptom.
PS - Don't forget, communicating about an act, then doing it regardless of consent still doesn't justify its expression.
PPS - We apologize if Blame it on the Rain is now stuck in your head.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Loving Thyself
As you may (or most likely do not) know, May is National Masturbation Month. While even we have no idea who started this and how much support it has within our industry, we DID at the least believe it to be a great topic to cover.
Self service. Self love. Masturbation. For one of the most popular and widely practiced sex acts it is arguably the one that comes with the most negative associations. Many of us can recall that even from a young age we are taught, either directly or indirectly, that the act is shameful, embarrassing, or flat out wrong (morally or otherwise). The topic is rarely covered in sex education despite being one of the first sexual experiences nearly every person will have. Adults even often find discussing or sharing their masturbation habits or experiences to be uncomfortable at best, off limits at worst.
Fortunately, masturbation is slowly coming out of the closet. We are here to support it and state that self service is good service!
Why is this? Yes, you may have already heard that it is "healthy", but what does healthy masturbation mean? First of all, as mentioned earlier, masturbation is often one of our first sexual experiences as everything needed for it is already present. Thus, it introduces us to our sexual bits. With relative ease it sets the blueprints for sexual arousal, what kinds of touch we enjoy, what fantasies we have, and what an orgasm is like. It does all this in a pressure free environment with no partner to perform for or to fear judgement from. With enough masturbatory repetitions clocked in, this all culminates in us being familiar with our bodies and able to let our future partners know what makes us tick sexually. To echo other sexuality experts, how can we tell our lover how to please us if we don't even know ourselves?
In addition to laying a foundation to our sexual selves, taking some "me time" is a fantastic stress outlet and physical health booster. Masturbation and orgasm (just like sex) engages the pleasure centers of the brain, releases endorphins and tension, dulls pain, relaxes mind and body, improves circulation, and gives us a moment away from it all. These are health benefits countless Americans would pay good money to achieve and here it can all be had for free! Long day? Need a break? Take the necessary minutes, add some privacy, and combine with you for the perfect anti-stress tonic! There are also many other less studied health benefits that regular orgasms may contribute to.
So, help celebrate Masturbation Month by giving yourself a bit of extra attention! Remember, at the least you will be healthier, happier, and more relaxed than you were before! Of course, do remember that despite the benefits of masturbation there are definitely times and places best suited to the activity (the less prying eyes and chances of intrusion, the better!).
We know that self pleasure isn't as always as easy as flipping a light switch. Have any questions about masturbation? Like to add something besides your trusty hands to make it faster, better, different, or even possible? Let us know! We are always here to help (with information, of course).
Self service. Self love. Masturbation. For one of the most popular and widely practiced sex acts it is arguably the one that comes with the most negative associations. Many of us can recall that even from a young age we are taught, either directly or indirectly, that the act is shameful, embarrassing, or flat out wrong (morally or otherwise). The topic is rarely covered in sex education despite being one of the first sexual experiences nearly every person will have. Adults even often find discussing or sharing their masturbation habits or experiences to be uncomfortable at best, off limits at worst.
Fortunately, masturbation is slowly coming out of the closet. We are here to support it and state that self service is good service!
Why is this? Yes, you may have already heard that it is "healthy", but what does healthy masturbation mean? First of all, as mentioned earlier, masturbation is often one of our first sexual experiences as everything needed for it is already present. Thus, it introduces us to our sexual bits. With relative ease it sets the blueprints for sexual arousal, what kinds of touch we enjoy, what fantasies we have, and what an orgasm is like. It does all this in a pressure free environment with no partner to perform for or to fear judgement from. With enough masturbatory repetitions clocked in, this all culminates in us being familiar with our bodies and able to let our future partners know what makes us tick sexually. To echo other sexuality experts, how can we tell our lover how to please us if we don't even know ourselves?
In addition to laying a foundation to our sexual selves, taking some "me time" is a fantastic stress outlet and physical health booster. Masturbation and orgasm (just like sex) engages the pleasure centers of the brain, releases endorphins and tension, dulls pain, relaxes mind and body, improves circulation, and gives us a moment away from it all. These are health benefits countless Americans would pay good money to achieve and here it can all be had for free! Long day? Need a break? Take the necessary minutes, add some privacy, and combine with you for the perfect anti-stress tonic! There are also many other less studied health benefits that regular orgasms may contribute to.
So, help celebrate Masturbation Month by giving yourself a bit of extra attention! Remember, at the least you will be healthier, happier, and more relaxed than you were before! Of course, do remember that despite the benefits of masturbation there are definitely times and places best suited to the activity (the less prying eyes and chances of intrusion, the better!).
We know that self pleasure isn't as always as easy as flipping a light switch. Have any questions about masturbation? Like to add something besides your trusty hands to make it faster, better, different, or even possible? Let us know! We are always here to help (with information, of course).
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Lubricants for the Ladies
This entry focuses on the growing group of lubricants being labeled specifically for female use. You may have noticed these already, many of which are made by well known manufacturers (at least to us). The manufacturers may be well known to us, but these particular products have admittedly caused us some confusion. That isn't meaning the sort of confusion that we have no idea what the product is for, but confusion in how the product stands uniquely suited for its intended customers. That or is it just a different bottle with the same contents?
To begin, let's examine the relationship between design and application of a personal lubricant. There is no doubt that in setting about designing a product intended to end up in a woman's vagina that attention be paid to that unique environment. As most people above the age of six know, a vagina is a body part that is exclusively female. Comparatively, both sexes own mouths. Clearly a toothpaste would have a unisex target market and design approach. That is not to say men do not use lubricants, and they can and often do for masturbation. Men are also often the other half of the sexual equation when a woman uses it. However, the penis doesn't reside inside body and its skin is generally less sensitive than the tissues of a woman's vagina. So, YES, it is absolutely important a personal lubricant be at the very least designed for female use.
This design focal point is where we started to arrive at our stated confusion. As these lubricants labeled specifically for female use started to hit the market, our logical question was "If these are for female use, are all the other lubricants produced NOT intended for female use?" Did the makers of these other lubricants never intend them to be placed in a vagina? If so, for what other purpose would a personal lubricant be designed if not for a woman's (or any person's for that matter) most sensitive tissues and orifices? There are indeed some lubricant companies that are rumored to have started with other uses in mind (ex: Astroglide) but we are positive enough years (a lot of them) have gone by that such makers are not sitting in a meeting shocked to learn people are and have been greasing their lovemaking with their product. They know they are, and design them with that act in mind.
Deductive reasoning aside, the more black and white proof of what makes a lubricant different than another is primarily in its ingredients and, to a slightly lesser extent, the proportion of the ingredients. We have made great efforts to research and verify what ingredients are in the female specific lubricants. What have we discovered so far? We've discovered that most have exactly the same ingredients as their "original" predecessors. There may be some slight variations on the percent of each, but either that wasn't disclosed or doesn't make a difference.
Our final conclusion is this... these products are no different from the original products and are great marketing ploys. If you are woman, don't feel compelled to throw out your old formula in favor of the supposedly healthier option. NOW WAIT! Despite our conclusion, we acknowledge that lubricant use, like sex, is a very personal experience. Therefor, if you used one of these lubricants and decided it is the best choice or superior to its predecessors, then please continue to use it. This is not a recommendation to stop usage, merely to inform curious shoppers who have seen these products. We at For the Love of It may not carry them but would never criticize a person who uses them and happily order them for our customers.
Finally, labels aside, we encourage people to ask questions about lubricant ingredients. Many people have found certain ones irritate their skin, and the vagina's are some the most sensitive tissues around. It never hurts to be aware of what should or should not go up there, and everyone loves a healthy vagina.
Have more questions about these? Let us know! Also, if a lubricant company representative or person of greater demonstrated knowledge reads this and can contribute or contradict, please do so!
To begin, let's examine the relationship between design and application of a personal lubricant. There is no doubt that in setting about designing a product intended to end up in a woman's vagina that attention be paid to that unique environment. As most people above the age of six know, a vagina is a body part that is exclusively female. Comparatively, both sexes own mouths. Clearly a toothpaste would have a unisex target market and design approach. That is not to say men do not use lubricants, and they can and often do for masturbation. Men are also often the other half of the sexual equation when a woman uses it. However, the penis doesn't reside inside body and its skin is generally less sensitive than the tissues of a woman's vagina. So, YES, it is absolutely important a personal lubricant be at the very least designed for female use.
This design focal point is where we started to arrive at our stated confusion. As these lubricants labeled specifically for female use started to hit the market, our logical question was "If these are for female use, are all the other lubricants produced NOT intended for female use?" Did the makers of these other lubricants never intend them to be placed in a vagina? If so, for what other purpose would a personal lubricant be designed if not for a woman's (or any person's for that matter) most sensitive tissues and orifices? There are indeed some lubricant companies that are rumored to have started with other uses in mind (ex: Astroglide) but we are positive enough years (a lot of them) have gone by that such makers are not sitting in a meeting shocked to learn people are and have been greasing their lovemaking with their product. They know they are, and design them with that act in mind.
Deductive reasoning aside, the more black and white proof of what makes a lubricant different than another is primarily in its ingredients and, to a slightly lesser extent, the proportion of the ingredients. We have made great efforts to research and verify what ingredients are in the female specific lubricants. What have we discovered so far? We've discovered that most have exactly the same ingredients as their "original" predecessors. There may be some slight variations on the percent of each, but either that wasn't disclosed or doesn't make a difference.
Our final conclusion is this... these products are no different from the original products and are great marketing ploys. If you are woman, don't feel compelled to throw out your old formula in favor of the supposedly healthier option. NOW WAIT! Despite our conclusion, we acknowledge that lubricant use, like sex, is a very personal experience. Therefor, if you used one of these lubricants and decided it is the best choice or superior to its predecessors, then please continue to use it. This is not a recommendation to stop usage, merely to inform curious shoppers who have seen these products. We at For the Love of It may not carry them but would never criticize a person who uses them and happily order them for our customers.
Finally, labels aside, we encourage people to ask questions about lubricant ingredients. Many people have found certain ones irritate their skin, and the vagina's are some the most sensitive tissues around. It never hurts to be aware of what should or should not go up there, and everyone loves a healthy vagina.
Have more questions about these? Let us know! Also, if a lubricant company representative or person of greater demonstrated knowledge reads this and can contribute or contradict, please do so!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Hello everyone! Welcome to the introductory blog entry! It will be short and sweet, a brief "hello" before going on to the real topics.
First, why start a blog? There a so very many out there, and it seems as if everyone has something to say or share. So why bother to add our voice to the so many other bloggers asking for your viewing attention as even those covering the topic of sexuality are quite numerous. Simply put, because we think we have useful and interesting to say! We communicate what we can in person and via other internet outlets such as Facebook and our website. A blog allows us to ellaborate further, delved a bit deeper, and cover more topics. A very brief bio may help you understand better...
We are not extraordinary. We hold no degrees in psychology, medicine, or anthropology. We don't have extensive backgrounds in any facet of the adult industry, nor the reproductive health industry. What we do have (besides being avid sex fans) is a our built-from-the-ground-up adult retail store, For the Love of It, now nearing its fifth year of business. During that time we've spent countless hours discussing sex with our customers, each other, and those around us. This is in addition to countless hours of researching, reading, and analyzing any piece of information related to sex... often going full circle back to discussion.
Through this constant immersion and a strong desire to use quality information to help our customers we have developed a unique perspective on sex and sexuality. We will use this blog to present some of what we've learned to our readers and customers in a practical way, hopefully spreading useful knowledge and maybe, just maybe changing some lives in positive way.
To give you an idea of what to expect in the future, expect topics from all corners of sexuality. That will include sex acts, sexual psychology, lifestyles, products, and attitudes. We encourage questions, and they may very well become topics. Thank you and happy reading!
First, why start a blog? There a so very many out there, and it seems as if everyone has something to say or share. So why bother to add our voice to the so many other bloggers asking for your viewing attention as even those covering the topic of sexuality are quite numerous. Simply put, because we think we have useful and interesting to say! We communicate what we can in person and via other internet outlets such as Facebook and our website. A blog allows us to ellaborate further, delved a bit deeper, and cover more topics. A very brief bio may help you understand better...
We are not extraordinary. We hold no degrees in psychology, medicine, or anthropology. We don't have extensive backgrounds in any facet of the adult industry, nor the reproductive health industry. What we do have (besides being avid sex fans) is a our built-from-the-ground-up adult retail store, For the Love of It, now nearing its fifth year of business. During that time we've spent countless hours discussing sex with our customers, each other, and those around us. This is in addition to countless hours of researching, reading, and analyzing any piece of information related to sex... often going full circle back to discussion.
Through this constant immersion and a strong desire to use quality information to help our customers we have developed a unique perspective on sex and sexuality. We will use this blog to present some of what we've learned to our readers and customers in a practical way, hopefully spreading useful knowledge and maybe, just maybe changing some lives in positive way.
To give you an idea of what to expect in the future, expect topics from all corners of sexuality. That will include sex acts, sexual psychology, lifestyles, products, and attitudes. We encourage questions, and they may very well become topics. Thank you and happy reading!
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