You may have guessed a little something about this entry from the title. Yes, it's going to be about anal sex. Now, we could fill many entries with information and discussions of anal sex, but for this one we will focus on one specific topic. We will be discussing anal desensitizers and how they (and pain) don't need to be a part of your rear end repertoire. If you are interested in trying anal play, merely curious, or actively partaking... the following is a must read. It is by no means groundbreaking information and many a sex expert has said this before us, but we thought we should add our voice to the mix. That is simply because this is an area we continually hear many questions (and mistakes) about.
Anyone who has tried anal play is no doubt familiar with the body's reactions to hasty anal penetration. Pain and discomfort are common experiences. Fear not! Sex product industry to the rescue! Many years ago products began hitting the market to "help" with those two conditions, claiming to ease and relax for greater pleasure. Fantastic, right!? Well, not exactly. Nearly all these products contain a common topical anesthetic that numb the nerves in the skin, in this case the nerves of the anus and anal canal. While this numbing may seem like a really helpful idea on the surface, it can actually detract from the enjoyment of anal play and even lead to bodily damage.
Fact: Anal sex does not need to hurt. We meet many customers who think that pain is just part of anal sex no matter what. We say unwanted pain has no place in any kind of sex. After all, we do it to have fun! Countless people enjoy anal play without pain or discomfort, and without any kind of anal desensitizer. The desensitizer numbs the very nerves that will give that pleasure, having the same effect as slathering the penis, clitoris, nipple, or any erogenous zone with anesthetic. A huge part of sex is the body's reaction to pleasurable stimulus, and no feeling means no stimulus. Why have sex without feeling, and thus, why have anal sex without it?
Not only is pleasure being numbed, but the pain is, too. This is the strongest reason to be careful, or not use, anal desenstizers. Pain is the body's natural reaction to real or potential harm, and a signal to do something to stop it. Pain and discomfort with anal sex is the body signalling it is worried about or is experiencing damage. If the nerves are numbed you will never know if damage is occurring. Anal tears or worse can make your day after (or longer) fairly miserable. Ironic, considering the product is meant to avoid pain and discomfort.
The pain-free solution: Lube, Relaxation, and Patience. All three of these must be present for a pleasurable anal sex encounter. A common misconception about the anal desensitizers is that they are also a lubricant. They are NOT. Another misconception (not helped by porn) is that the butt is primed and ready for penetration, no additives required. It is NOT. Lubricant, lots of it, is a must for anal. We tell our customers that once you think you have added enough, add more. You cannot over do it. The difference between too little and enough is extraordinary.
The next two ingredients for a pleasurable rear end escapade are equally important. Due to its physiological design, the anal opening isn't receptive to hasty and unwelcome visitors... but it is quite flexible and can be persuaded. The recipient must be relaxed and both parties must be patient and go about it slowly. A quote we read from an experienced anal sex participant couldn't be more appropriate here and states her partner must "romance her ass". So true. Expect a slower sexual encounter and one with active communication between partners. Do relaxing activities before hand, set expectations, and do plenty of foreplay leading up to the act. Progressive penetration can very much help those new to it, starting with smaller items and working your way up.
With the above three ingredients, you should be well on your way to enjoyable and comfortable anal sex without a desensitizer. With experience, anal play can become as regular an activity as you want it to be!
As with anything sexual, we absolutely understand every person's body and preferences are different. If you still have questions, please do not hesitate to ask us! It was what we are here for.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Behind the sex: Keeps going and going
Last entry we talked about gentlemen lasting longer and what we share with our interested customers. That represented half of the conversation. The other half is a bit more complicated and requires a closer look at how and what we are taught about sex from day one onward. A better way of putting it might be what we are NOT taught about sex. Here is a deeper look at how American sex education has affected "lasting longer".
Many of us from childhood onward have been taught that the man puts his penis in a woman's vagina, thrusts, and ... well... something happens. What that something is depends on your source, but it is supposed to pretty dang amazing. That's sex right!? In, out, and "Kaboom!", explosive orgasms for all! To our credit, our sources of information are not exactly ideal. School sex education most often describes the bare mechanics of reproduction, penis in vagina = ejaculation with a side of pregnancy or dash of disease. Hollywood taught us with their idealistic, dramatic scenes, our friends their well-intentioned ignorance, and porn their Energizer Bunny men pistoning away for what seems like hours while the woman screams in endless pleasure.
So here we are, given keys to a car without any driver's education (or poor/inaccurate) and no experience. Small wonder couples get together and find they are fumbling about in giving and receiving pleasure. The poor man thinks his tackle and tackle alone is the key to macho Don Juan greatness, a tireless (and large) jackhammer delivering the woman to orgasmic bliss. The poor woman thinks her vagina is the matching lock to the man's key, simply insert and the door to bliss should open every time on well oiled hinges. Like a car, there is so much more to sex than stomping on the gas and hoping for the best. Giving and receiving pleasure, and orgasms, is getting to know all the dials, signs, and styles of these fantastic vehicles we've been given.
It is the rare couple, without some degree of active coordination, that reaches orgasm at the same time. Generally speaking, this is especially true with heterosexual couples (often the focus of the lasting longer issue). Men and women are simply not built the same and truly recognizing that is half the battle. A significant majority of women require some degree of direct clitoral stimulation (rubbing, vibrating, massaging, etc.) to reach orgasm. Last we checked, a man's penis does not come equipped with a clitoral stimulation protrusion. That's not to say many a woman has enjoyed an orgasm, or many, through penetration alone. We're pointing out that it is common, healthy, and normal for a woman to not.
Our physical construction hasn't doomed couples from achieving mutually pleasurable sex, it has simply created an interaction more complicated than simple in-and-out penetration. It begins with understanding how each of our bodies function, what it takes to climax, and to not climax. It requires communication and willingness to try varying activities to give and receive pleasure. Really, this is an opportunity to enjoy our sex lives through variety and experimentation. Guide your sexual experiences. Don't be afraid to go into sex by establishing if it's going to be an explosive quickie or a slow burn that means orgasms for both partners. Also, don't be afraid to communicate your desires through words or touch during sex, a simple "slower", "faster", "right now!" or "grab that vibrator" does wonders.
Please believe us when we say to not expect spectacular synchronized orgasms from standard, non-coordinated, penetrative intercourse. Men, you are not lousy performers. Women, you are not broken or "in-orgasmic". You are most likely two normal people needing to vary and coordinate your sexual activities. Come together and stand and speak up for your sex life. Explore different ways to stimulate one another, different positions/accessories/scenarios, and set expectations.... and by all means enjoy the ride! (pun intended)
Many of us from childhood onward have been taught that the man puts his penis in a woman's vagina, thrusts, and ... well... something happens. What that something is depends on your source, but it is supposed to pretty dang amazing. That's sex right!? In, out, and "Kaboom!", explosive orgasms for all! To our credit, our sources of information are not exactly ideal. School sex education most often describes the bare mechanics of reproduction, penis in vagina = ejaculation with a side of pregnancy or dash of disease. Hollywood taught us with their idealistic, dramatic scenes, our friends their well-intentioned ignorance, and porn their Energizer Bunny men pistoning away for what seems like hours while the woman screams in endless pleasure.
So here we are, given keys to a car without any driver's education (or poor/inaccurate) and no experience. Small wonder couples get together and find they are fumbling about in giving and receiving pleasure. The poor man thinks his tackle and tackle alone is the key to macho Don Juan greatness, a tireless (and large) jackhammer delivering the woman to orgasmic bliss. The poor woman thinks her vagina is the matching lock to the man's key, simply insert and the door to bliss should open every time on well oiled hinges. Like a car, there is so much more to sex than stomping on the gas and hoping for the best. Giving and receiving pleasure, and orgasms, is getting to know all the dials, signs, and styles of these fantastic vehicles we've been given.
It is the rare couple, without some degree of active coordination, that reaches orgasm at the same time. Generally speaking, this is especially true with heterosexual couples (often the focus of the lasting longer issue). Men and women are simply not built the same and truly recognizing that is half the battle. A significant majority of women require some degree of direct clitoral stimulation (rubbing, vibrating, massaging, etc.) to reach orgasm. Last we checked, a man's penis does not come equipped with a clitoral stimulation protrusion. That's not to say many a woman has enjoyed an orgasm, or many, through penetration alone. We're pointing out that it is common, healthy, and normal for a woman to not.
Our physical construction hasn't doomed couples from achieving mutually pleasurable sex, it has simply created an interaction more complicated than simple in-and-out penetration. It begins with understanding how each of our bodies function, what it takes to climax, and to not climax. It requires communication and willingness to try varying activities to give and receive pleasure. Really, this is an opportunity to enjoy our sex lives through variety and experimentation. Guide your sexual experiences. Don't be afraid to go into sex by establishing if it's going to be an explosive quickie or a slow burn that means orgasms for both partners. Also, don't be afraid to communicate your desires through words or touch during sex, a simple "slower", "faster", "right now!" or "grab that vibrator" does wonders.
Please believe us when we say to not expect spectacular synchronized orgasms from standard, non-coordinated, penetrative intercourse. Men, you are not lousy performers. Women, you are not broken or "in-orgasmic". You are most likely two normal people needing to vary and coordinate your sexual activities. Come together and stand and speak up for your sex life. Explore different ways to stimulate one another, different positions/accessories/scenarios, and set expectations.... and by all means enjoy the ride! (pun intended)
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Keeps going, and going, and going...
We get a lot of questions down at the shop. We love questions. They keep our job new and interesting (though it certainly is already). More importantly, questions help us help the customer in buying what they need/want. Some questions we receive more often than others, and one of those goes something like this: "What can make me last longer?" As you may have guessed, it is men asking the question. Nearly every time it is asked it is because the man would like to delay ejaculation and orgasm and have penetrative intercourse (yes, so clinical) for a longer period of time. Ready for our answer? We are about to reveal a huge industry secret...
... you can't. Wait, what do we mean by "you can't"??? What we mean, unfortunately, is there isn't anything on the market that will give a man what he is wanting. Hold on, yes, there are products out there that are supposed to meet this very need. Allow us to explain in greater depth what we tell our customers about these products and what we ultimately recommend.
We tell our customers that we offer three products that can contribute to "lasting longer". First, there are the delay creams and sprays which contain small amounts of a topical anesthetic, usually lidocaine or benzocaine. When applied to the penis (primarily the very sensitive head) they will desensitize it and delay ejaculation. Second, there are rings. A ring's primary function is to trap blood inside the penis and help attain, firm, and keep an erection. Third, there are enhancement pills. Similar to rings, the pills help attain, firm, and keep an erection by improving blood flow into the penis.
These are the three "lasting longer" related products we discuss with our customers. Of the three products, the delay creams and sprays are the only products whose sole purpose is to delay ejaculation in men. Sounds simple, what's the catch? First, the anesthetics are common and normally harmless, but apply too much and the user will feel next to nothing. The likely result of a numb penis is a lost erection and lost chance of even attempting to last longer. Second, and more importantly, is just how much delay is achieved. Let's say a man lasts 5 minutes normally. Assuming he hasn't numbed his penis completely, he might gain another minute or two. That is a best case scenario and most men are looking for better results.
The rings and pills with their potentially fuller erections may result in greater sensitivity. Despite tricky language neither of these options will necessarily delay ejaculation. What they can do is help achieve an erection after ejaculating, and through this faster recovery enable a man to "go longer". The question is, after the first ejaculation and orgasm will either party have the desire, patience, or ability to continue? There is no doubt many men enjoy a second round, but everyone is different and those interested in "longer" are looking to simply delay this inevitable interruption.
With all three methods, it is questionable if any are truly what our customers are seeking, which is a reliable method to significantly delay ejaculation. Despite our really wanting to sell a product to help, our recomendation is to simply buy nothing. Instead, we advise men to get in tune with their bodies (and their partner's) and stop before ejaculation, do other sexual activities, perform oral sex or manual stimulation on your partner, change the position or speed, or introduce a vibrator for her during sex. Varying and mutually guiding your sexual experiences will be far more satisfying for the long term and delay products an unnecessary component (in this context at least).
... you can't. Wait, what do we mean by "you can't"??? What we mean, unfortunately, is there isn't anything on the market that will give a man what he is wanting. Hold on, yes, there are products out there that are supposed to meet this very need. Allow us to explain in greater depth what we tell our customers about these products and what we ultimately recommend.
We tell our customers that we offer three products that can contribute to "lasting longer". First, there are the delay creams and sprays which contain small amounts of a topical anesthetic, usually lidocaine or benzocaine. When applied to the penis (primarily the very sensitive head) they will desensitize it and delay ejaculation. Second, there are rings. A ring's primary function is to trap blood inside the penis and help attain, firm, and keep an erection. Third, there are enhancement pills. Similar to rings, the pills help attain, firm, and keep an erection by improving blood flow into the penis.
These are the three "lasting longer" related products we discuss with our customers. Of the three products, the delay creams and sprays are the only products whose sole purpose is to delay ejaculation in men. Sounds simple, what's the catch? First, the anesthetics are common and normally harmless, but apply too much and the user will feel next to nothing. The likely result of a numb penis is a lost erection and lost chance of even attempting to last longer. Second, and more importantly, is just how much delay is achieved. Let's say a man lasts 5 minutes normally. Assuming he hasn't numbed his penis completely, he might gain another minute or two. That is a best case scenario and most men are looking for better results.
The rings and pills with their potentially fuller erections may result in greater sensitivity. Despite tricky language neither of these options will necessarily delay ejaculation. What they can do is help achieve an erection after ejaculating, and through this faster recovery enable a man to "go longer". The question is, after the first ejaculation and orgasm will either party have the desire, patience, or ability to continue? There is no doubt many men enjoy a second round, but everyone is different and those interested in "longer" are looking to simply delay this inevitable interruption.
With all three methods, it is questionable if any are truly what our customers are seeking, which is a reliable method to significantly delay ejaculation. Despite our really wanting to sell a product to help, our recomendation is to simply buy nothing. Instead, we advise men to get in tune with their bodies (and their partner's) and stop before ejaculation, do other sexual activities, perform oral sex or manual stimulation on your partner, change the position or speed, or introduce a vibrator for her during sex. Varying and mutually guiding your sexual experiences will be far more satisfying for the long term and delay products an unnecessary component (in this context at least).
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Blame it on the rain.
It's been a soggy past couple of weeks here, so the title serves as an ode to our weather as well as a wee bit cheesy intro into our topic. Blame, as the title says, is not just the subject of a catchy, early 90's pop song. Today, we're talking about sex and how related acts, items, or subjects become the scapegoats for relationship trouble and/or destruction. The question that is hardest to answer when dealing with sexually related relationship troubles is, is that big, accusatory blame finger being pointed in the right direction? Is the sex to blame, or is it really something else? After all, like our lip-synching friends, Milli Vanilli, said, "You gotta blame it on somethin'" and "Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you!"
So what do we mean when we're talking about blame and sex? First off, sex is a generally strong human motivator and isn't merely a simple physical response. Sexual desire has its roots firmly planted in the brain and is a relatively complicated human experience. It is distinctly ours by genetics and is further shaped and molded by various social experiences. We often tell our customers that our sexuality is as unique to our individual selves as our thumbprint, no two of them are exactly the same.
The relevance of our singular sexual identities to the topic is that we all experience, express, and pursue sexual experiences for reasons that could easily remain a mystery to those around us. However, unlike our thumbprints, we don't simply have a physical "sexuality" that we can easily identify on our bodies and present for review to anyone needing the information. Since the brain is the body's largest sex organ, sex is inextricably linked to all the other emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that make us human beings. These connections, ladies and gentlemen, is where sex often becomes the unfortunate blame receptor of any social troubles that happen to involve it. It is often not the act itself, but the manner and context in which it was performed that creates negative consequences.
Ok, ok, to the point. Let us cover a few easier and well known examples. First, a big one... cheating. A despicable deed by nearly everyone's account. It might be obvious to ask "Why is it bad?". Because the accused cheater had sex with a person other than their partner, right?!? Not entirely. Sex of some sort was involved for sure, but the real crime was in breach of trust, betrayal. The wandering partner broke a substantial portion of the relationship contract. After the heart breaking discovery is made, something like this might be heard, "It wasn't the sex, it's that they lied about it." Without trust, a relationship has little chance of surviving.
Second... "sex addiction". This so-called (and erroneous in our opinion) affliction has made some infamous appearances in the news over the past couple years. It has been used to describe individuals who are so obsessed with sex they are engaging in acts that damage either themselves or those around them. Again, sex of some kind is involved. However, the sexual acts themselves hold no blame. It is our belief that the compulsive sexual behavior isn't coming from an out of control sex drive, but an out of control psyche. The "sex addict" is using sex as their destructive tool and engaging in sexual activities unhealthy to them and those around them.
Third... porn viewing. What we mean by this is cases where porn viewing is blamed in itself for destroying relationships or turning men, even women, into twisted, desensitized souls or sex addicts (see above). We don't believe this to be true. In the first instance, there is often an underlying relationship issue at play and in the second, an underlying psychological glitch. Porn has been blamed for causing one of the above two examples (cheating/betrayal and addiction) in some form. What is frequently the case is two people not connecting well in their intimate relationship, and often in their day to day personal relationships. As to twisting minds... porn is viewed by countless millions and the vast majority enjoy a perfectly healthy sexual and personal life.
The point we are making with the examples above is that relationship troubles involving sex go deeper than the acts themselves. People wield various tools of self-destruction or combat psychological distress in numerous ways, sexual expression (or lack of) is one of them. The act itself is only as powerful as the psychology behind it. In the US, where we are diagnosis happy and sexual discussion is generally repressed, the sex itself makes a convenient blame receptor.
This doesn't make the solving relationship troubles any easier or justify bad behavior. We are strong believers that good sex, and a good relationship, thrive on constant, open, and non-judgmental communication. We cannot say this or emphasize this enough. It will creates\ an environment where we can not only best satisfy each other sexually (kinks and all), but best help in addressing psychological tendencies that drive us into making destructive choices sexually. For each example above, we believe it is quite possible that conflict could be averted if the parties involved summoned the courage to communicate before acting. Some troubled relationships simply don't work, but some certainly can if only we can look at sex as not the cause but as a symptom.
PS - Don't forget, communicating about an act, then doing it regardless of consent still doesn't justify its expression.
PPS - We apologize if Blame it on the Rain is now stuck in your head.
So what do we mean when we're talking about blame and sex? First off, sex is a generally strong human motivator and isn't merely a simple physical response. Sexual desire has its roots firmly planted in the brain and is a relatively complicated human experience. It is distinctly ours by genetics and is further shaped and molded by various social experiences. We often tell our customers that our sexuality is as unique to our individual selves as our thumbprint, no two of them are exactly the same.
The relevance of our singular sexual identities to the topic is that we all experience, express, and pursue sexual experiences for reasons that could easily remain a mystery to those around us. However, unlike our thumbprints, we don't simply have a physical "sexuality" that we can easily identify on our bodies and present for review to anyone needing the information. Since the brain is the body's largest sex organ, sex is inextricably linked to all the other emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that make us human beings. These connections, ladies and gentlemen, is where sex often becomes the unfortunate blame receptor of any social troubles that happen to involve it. It is often not the act itself, but the manner and context in which it was performed that creates negative consequences.
Ok, ok, to the point. Let us cover a few easier and well known examples. First, a big one... cheating. A despicable deed by nearly everyone's account. It might be obvious to ask "Why is it bad?". Because the accused cheater had sex with a person other than their partner, right?!? Not entirely. Sex of some sort was involved for sure, but the real crime was in breach of trust, betrayal. The wandering partner broke a substantial portion of the relationship contract. After the heart breaking discovery is made, something like this might be heard, "It wasn't the sex, it's that they lied about it." Without trust, a relationship has little chance of surviving.
Second... "sex addiction". This so-called (and erroneous in our opinion) affliction has made some infamous appearances in the news over the past couple years. It has been used to describe individuals who are so obsessed with sex they are engaging in acts that damage either themselves or those around them. Again, sex of some kind is involved. However, the sexual acts themselves hold no blame. It is our belief that the compulsive sexual behavior isn't coming from an out of control sex drive, but an out of control psyche. The "sex addict" is using sex as their destructive tool and engaging in sexual activities unhealthy to them and those around them.
Third... porn viewing. What we mean by this is cases where porn viewing is blamed in itself for destroying relationships or turning men, even women, into twisted, desensitized souls or sex addicts (see above). We don't believe this to be true. In the first instance, there is often an underlying relationship issue at play and in the second, an underlying psychological glitch. Porn has been blamed for causing one of the above two examples (cheating/betrayal and addiction) in some form. What is frequently the case is two people not connecting well in their intimate relationship, and often in their day to day personal relationships. As to twisting minds... porn is viewed by countless millions and the vast majority enjoy a perfectly healthy sexual and personal life.
The point we are making with the examples above is that relationship troubles involving sex go deeper than the acts themselves. People wield various tools of self-destruction or combat psychological distress in numerous ways, sexual expression (or lack of) is one of them. The act itself is only as powerful as the psychology behind it. In the US, where we are diagnosis happy and sexual discussion is generally repressed, the sex itself makes a convenient blame receptor.
This doesn't make the solving relationship troubles any easier or justify bad behavior. We are strong believers that good sex, and a good relationship, thrive on constant, open, and non-judgmental communication. We cannot say this or emphasize this enough. It will creates\ an environment where we can not only best satisfy each other sexually (kinks and all), but best help in addressing psychological tendencies that drive us into making destructive choices sexually. For each example above, we believe it is quite possible that conflict could be averted if the parties involved summoned the courage to communicate before acting. Some troubled relationships simply don't work, but some certainly can if only we can look at sex as not the cause but as a symptom.
PS - Don't forget, communicating about an act, then doing it regardless of consent still doesn't justify its expression.
PPS - We apologize if Blame it on the Rain is now stuck in your head.
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