One of the biggest challenges facing many a relationship is talking about sex. We mean getting right down into it and talking details about your and your partner's sexual interests. Lack of open, honest, and non-judgmental is most often the culprit of sexual dissatisfaction in a relationship. Frequently one partner doesn't even know what the other partner is interested in doing, what they fantasize about, or what they are willing to try. The great part is that there is more than one way to communicate. When talking becomes too great a challenge, we suggest learning about one another through an activity called a "Yes/No/Maybe List".
Before we describe the what and how of the "Yes/No/Maybe List", let us preface the activity with these two helpful notes you should keep in mind:
Out with the weird: "Weird", and the concept of being outside of "normal", should absolutely be abandoned to keep a sexual relationship healthy. Many of us fear judgement or rejection when exposing our most intimate sexual interests. Trust in a relationship is vital, and we owe this respect when handling our partner's deepest sexual thoughts. Before starting your Yes/No/Maybe, forget any judgmental word. Words such as "weird", "normal", or "gross" do not exist anymore.
Be GGG: There is a very useful acronym created by Seattle based sex advice columnist Dan Savage, which is "GGG". It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and is intended as a mantra of sorts in a sexual relationship. It also makes for a great perspective on sexuality in general. It asks us to work at being good in bed, giving equal time and pleasure to your partner, and game for anything (within reason). Apply GGG when new activities are brought up, when expressing your own desires, and when your partner expresses theirs. Granted, this is an oversimplification of complex relationship dynamics, but gives us something to aspire towards.
So, instead of looking at sex as a scale with personal marks at "normal" and "kinky" or "weird", begin looking at sex as world with many ports. There isn't any "normal", and we should all strive to be GGG about our partner and with sexuality in general.
On to YES/NO/MAYBE!: You are now ready for the list, which we will abbreviate it to YNM List from here on out. It is a simple, yet effective, way to lay a lot of our sexual cards on the table for the chosen one (or more if desired) to see. At its most basic, the YNM List is a list of sexual acts, each with a "yes", "no", and "maybe" check box associated with it. The list itself can be comprised of anything and there are a number of already created versions out there on the internet. A simple web search for "yes no maybe list" should bring up plenty of results. It is probably ideal if a third party creates it so no bias creeps into the list, or any conflict over what is or is not in the list. (see bottom of this entry for short example)
Each person is given a copy to complete on their own, and only on their own. For each sex act a yes is marked if it something you do and enjoy, a no is marked if you do not like it or have absolutely no interest, and a maybe is marked if it is something you have interest in doing or are game to try. Be honest and true to yourself when answering. Expect some to be easy to answer and others to be more difficult. The list doesn't have to be completed in one sitting and is up to the discretion of those involved when to finish.
Once the YNM list is completed, it's time to compare notes. Starting at the top, both participants give their answers. If the answers match, then there is clear agreement sexually and no discussion is absolutely necessary (though no reason you can't discuss). Matching answers for an act neither of you have done together are fantastic surprises and should be worked into your sexual repertoires and soon. If the answers do not match, then here is where the YNM list can help open us up to sharing our sexual selves with our partners. This is the point in the YNM list exercise that it is most critical to remain open and non-judgmental. Remember out with the weird and GGG. Feel free to ask questions and share details and perspectives.
Pretty simple right? Simple, yet very effective. The YNM list acts as a neutral medium that brings up the topics we can discuss regarding our sexuality. It brings up the questions we may never have the courage to ask, or the acts we secretly wish would happen but just can't figure out how to suggest it. It should be fun and will most likely reveal things about ourselves and our partners that may have taken years (if ever) to be brought out into the open.
We recommend keeping your lists after they are done, maybe even jot down notes you think are important. In another year or two, repeat filling out the same YNM list. Compare your answers and discussions to previous lists and see what has changed... it might be surprising.
Examples of YNM list acts:
- Feet/toe kiss - sucking - licking
- Vaginal intercourse - penis
- Vibrator during intercourse
- Anal intercourse - penis
- Analingus
- Cunnilingus
- Spanking
- Bondage light - wrists
- Bondage heavy - wrists & ankles
- Food play
- Role playing
- Role reversal
- Dirty talk during intercourse
- Slapping
- Swinging - threesome
etc....
