A recent article briefly discussing the re-submission of the drug Flibanserin to the FDA sparked this blog entry. Why? Because this drug is being submitted as "a once-daily treatment for Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD) in premenopausal women". Put into more common terms, it is meant to put the horny back in the non-horny woman. It is likely that such a drug will make its way into the news again, and may even pass FDA approval, so we are taking this opportunity to make two points about the race to create the ultimate passion pill for women.
First, we have repeatedly heard many female sex drive booster medications referred to in the press as the "female Viagra", and Flibanserin is no exception. The two drugs may address sexually related mechanisms, but from two different ends of the sexual being. Viagra was created to treat men with erectile dysfunction, the inability to attain an erection as result of one or more chronic physical conditions. While usually the result of desire, a hard penis by itself doesn't necessarily indicate desire. Simply put, Viagra is not there to make a man frisky. It's there to help with the physical hydraulics that go into making an erect penis, ready for use when the man desires it so.
Last we checked women aren't looking for erections (penis sized ones that is, clits do get hard as well). In fact, one of our most commonly asked questions by customers in the store goes something like this: "What do you have to make someone excited?" Almost always the someone in question is a woman. As it stands today, no legal substance exists that will increase desire. We see countless ads from companies claiming their gel, cream, oil, pill, or drink will increase desire, but they are speaking in half-truths. This is because the brain is the sole purveyor of passion. If a gel makes your clitoris tingle, it's up to the brain to decide what to do with those physical sensations. To make this subtle point clearer, smearing a gel on a random non-horny woman will not suddenly turn her into a sex craving lust machine.
This leads to our second point, which is be wary of medicating for desire related issues. We are not denying the existence of a physical and/or mental injury or illness that negatively changes a person's sex drive. We DO acknowledge that desire doesn't happen in a vacuum and before it can make it to the bedroom it must first be filtered through our own complicated personal world. Relationship troubles, stress, fatigue, schedules, social pressures, and more all bear down on our sex lives, affecting very real change.
Agreed, it sure sounds fantastic to simply gulp down a pill after a hard day at work, little sleep, and unresolved relationship tension so you can try to want that sex you think you should be having. The hard question is, do we really want a medication just glossing over everything and making us feel something we don't actually feel? The same challenges and problems will be waiting for us in the morning, unaffected and ready to bite at us again.
The pharmaceutical company that currently owns Flibanserin even states on its website, "The cause of HSDD is believed to involve a multitude of social, psychological and biological factors and may be attributed to a complex interplay of these factors." And, "HSDD is defined as a persistent or recurrent deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity that causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty, and which is not better accounted for by a medical, substance-related, psychiatric (e.g., depression) or other sexual condition" (Sproutpharma.com, News).
In our opinion, this reads like a pretty way of saying "sexual issues are complicated and hard to figure out." That leads to the very likely conclusion that complicated personal and relationship issues aren't easily or well solved by drug intervention. That sounds eerily like every drug addict's life story in a nutshell. Would gobbling down loads of horny pills lead to dangerous addictions or side-effects? That is the FDA's and time's job to tell.
The primary take away we see from discussing the need for a libido increasing medication is that our sex lives are part of our everyday lives and can be just as tricky to figure out. The best possible recommendation, and the first stop on the road to a happy, healthy sex life, is large amounts of frequent, open communication with yourself, your partner, and maybe a helpful (or certified) third-party. Make your sex life a priority and and work on relieving the pressures that impact it. You might find that these very issues are the same ones causing problems in other aspects of your world.
Sprout Pharmaceuticals Receives Clear Guidance from FDA on Path Forward to Resubmit New Drug Application for Flibanserin, the First Potential Medical Treatment for Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder in Premenopausal Women. (February 11, 2014). Sproutpharma.com. Retrieved February 22, 2014, from http://sproutpharma.com/sprout-pharmaceuticals-receives-clear-guidance-from-fda-on-path-forward-to-resubmit-new-drug-application-for-flibanserin-the-first-potential-medical-treatment-for-hypoactive-sexual-desire-disorder-in/
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Sex, Lies, and Videotape
Admittedly, this entry isn't about a semi-erotic movie of the same name from 1989. It does deal with misinformation, false stereotypes, and outright fabrications that circulate around our industry. Some are simply urban legends and peer-to-peer myths spread by unknowing participants while swapping dirty jokes or innuendo, appearing smart or worldly at a party, or maliciously attacking another person. Sadly, many others come from right within the adult industry who, despite its moving toward the open light of mainstream consciousness, use our sexual insecurities and ignorance to sell a few more products. We're here today to help break some of the myths, correct the misinformation, and straighten out the crooked truths about some select topics we have encountered over the years. In no order of importance, or severity, here is a random selection of choice bits:
Does your vagina have that first time feeling? - While a woman's body does indeed undergo changes as it ages or has children, literal tightness of the vaginal canal (excluding some unique circumstances or pre-sexual maturity) is not one of them. The two areas that have significant impact on vaginal penetrative sensations are lubrication and pelvic region muscle tone. A dry vagina can mean painful intercourse, and poor muscle tone reduces sexual response. Both are easily remedied with lubricant and Kegel exercises. Vaginal "tightness" is a fallacy with no connection to pleasurable intercourse (for the woman OR the man). Tightening products (usually creams/lotions) ... they claim to temporarily "tighten" vaginal tissues to get that "first time" feeling back. They attempt to do that by using an astringent which constricts mucous membranes, so the result will be topical, short lived, AND dryness inducing. Lastly, few (if any) women we talk to actually enjoyed their first penetrative sex, and are not clamoring to get that experience back.
It's all about the giant penis! - We've said it before, we've blogged about it, we have told countless customers, and we will say it again.... penis size is not important! There are preferences and there are extreme cases, but a very large percent of women we know and have spoken to wholly support this. Repeat after us, "A huge penis does not a better lover make!" Period. End of argument. Forget about penis size and channel that energy into activities with real results, like oral sex or foreplay, or really communicating about makes each other get off.
The ancient art of Nuru massage - This is a recent activity and product pairing that is being foisted onto the adult market. For those of you wondering, Nuru massage is the act of the "masseuse" lubing up their entire naked body with "special" lube and proceeding to rub it all over their grateful massage recipient. Fun? Yes. Erotic. Probably. Ancient art? Umm, no. Get one at your local spa? Not going to happen. The word IS Japanese, but from what we can find only means "slippery". Massage is slippery? Who knew?!? Not surprisingly, we can't find any historical references or contemporary official descriptions. What we DO know is that our industry does like using Asian cultural references to give products more exotic sales appeal (Step 1: Make product, Step 2: Add "Chinese" to name). We also know that while populated with amazing people and cultures, Southeast Asian countries do not possess any mysterious magical sexual wizardry or knowledge. Point is, be wary of products boasting unverified Asian roots.
Keep that man-lube away from my girl stuff! - Personal lubricants got their start in clinical settings, often involved in vaginal exams. They went from there as handy solutions for vaginal dryness, and to enhance or ease penile or toy penetration, ALL female experiences. Reminder as you read further, females possess vaginas (yes, earth shattering). Now a number of female only branded personal lubricant bottles are hitting the shelves. Wait a minute?!? All these years later are lubricant makers just realizing their products are finding their way into vaginas? This widespread ignorance doesn't really make sense. In all seriousness, these are not formulas that have stripped out harmful or irritating ingredients to simply improve their original product, but swapping out labels from an already existing, and basically harmless product with one that says "For Her". We have compared several of these products to their original counterpart from the same manufacturer and found the ingredients to be...yes... the same!
Where are the horny pills? - We're going to reveal a huge secret here. Ready? Here is the surefire thing that will make you horny: YOU! That's it. No pill, no cream, no drink, nothing else. Desire is a function of the brain. We are all unique in what drives us sexually, and we all respond differently to individual stimulus (or even the same in different circumstances). Beware of ANY product claiming to affect your desire levels. Often all they impact, if anything at all, are physical sensations... often merely topical. How we respond to those sensation is up to us. There is nothing out there that will make us horny when we are not. The creator of such a quick fix would be insanely wealthy by now, and the focus of a media storm. If there were even such a pill, would we really want to all be jumping into bed driven by false feelings of desire? In most cases, diminished libido can be blamed on other physical or mental problems, medication side effects, and/or deeper relationship issues than simply "losing that spark".
Pain in the a#$ - Anal sex! A sex act with a taboo history and an increasingly popular future. A sex act with a heap of bad information, myth, and confusion surrounding it, perhaps more than any other act. We wrote about it in a previous blog entry, and will say it again for good measure.... anal sex/play should not be painful. Pain is a warning signal from the body to stop something, and shouldn't any sex act be pleasurable? Anal sex done right should be fun for the willing participants, and it can be. Forget numbing desensitizers as they may simply block signals that damage is being done. Beyond safe, sane, and consensual, rarely does any sex act have rules. Anal sex may be the exception. The three critical rules for anal sex/play are: LOTS of lube, relaxation, and patience. Notice the list didn't include numbing agent.
For best results, pound away - The biggest disservice that porn, Hollywood sex scenes, and the schoolyard have done for our sexuality is to teach us that fireworks and orgasms ensue for both partners if the penis owning half simply inserts it into the orifice owner and thrusts away for the requisite time period. It has left countless people in serious sexual confidence issues and questioning if their bodies perform properly. They then turn to adult stores (or medical industry) to solve these supposed woes. Men seek out implements, pills, creams, or sprays to stave off "quick" climax, and women search for opposite. We advise: Stop, slow down, do other sex acts, introduce toys, introduce fantasies, and so on... but, most importantly, communicate. Find out what makes each other tick sexually, and what they want out of their sexual activities. You will often find it moves beyond strictly pounding away, and with so MUCH better results.
I saw it in a porn - So, that must mean it's gospel when it comes to how the best sex is to be had, right? Not at all. Related to the "best results" note above, porn's biggest disservice is unintentionally becoming a guidebook to sex (and bodies, but that is another issue entirely...see: huge penis, boobs, etc). These are performers, actors, giving us a visual sexual treat intended to excite and inspire. Like Hollywood, there are all kinds of movie magic going on that we don't see ranging from lighting, makeup, film breaks, editing, directing, and physical prep. Porn gives us engineered, dramatized views of sex. To name a few... adult films give us faked orgasms and excitement, toys used incorrectly, no visual lube use, and the sex acts a set formula regardless of the people and scenario. At the end of the day, enjoy porn for what it is, visual erotica to stimulate the eye and mind. However, think twice about picking up a "How to" video from a porn star and get advice from more practical and safe sources.
Does your vagina have that first time feeling? - While a woman's body does indeed undergo changes as it ages or has children, literal tightness of the vaginal canal (excluding some unique circumstances or pre-sexual maturity) is not one of them. The two areas that have significant impact on vaginal penetrative sensations are lubrication and pelvic region muscle tone. A dry vagina can mean painful intercourse, and poor muscle tone reduces sexual response. Both are easily remedied with lubricant and Kegel exercises. Vaginal "tightness" is a fallacy with no connection to pleasurable intercourse (for the woman OR the man). Tightening products (usually creams/lotions) ... they claim to temporarily "tighten" vaginal tissues to get that "first time" feeling back. They attempt to do that by using an astringent which constricts mucous membranes, so the result will be topical, short lived, AND dryness inducing. Lastly, few (if any) women we talk to actually enjoyed their first penetrative sex, and are not clamoring to get that experience back.
It's all about the giant penis! - We've said it before, we've blogged about it, we have told countless customers, and we will say it again.... penis size is not important! There are preferences and there are extreme cases, but a very large percent of women we know and have spoken to wholly support this. Repeat after us, "A huge penis does not a better lover make!" Period. End of argument. Forget about penis size and channel that energy into activities with real results, like oral sex or foreplay, or really communicating about makes each other get off.
The ancient art of Nuru massage - This is a recent activity and product pairing that is being foisted onto the adult market. For those of you wondering, Nuru massage is the act of the "masseuse" lubing up their entire naked body with "special" lube and proceeding to rub it all over their grateful massage recipient. Fun? Yes. Erotic. Probably. Ancient art? Umm, no. Get one at your local spa? Not going to happen. The word IS Japanese, but from what we can find only means "slippery". Massage is slippery? Who knew?!? Not surprisingly, we can't find any historical references or contemporary official descriptions. What we DO know is that our industry does like using Asian cultural references to give products more exotic sales appeal (Step 1: Make product, Step 2: Add "Chinese" to name). We also know that while populated with amazing people and cultures, Southeast Asian countries do not possess any mysterious magical sexual wizardry or knowledge. Point is, be wary of products boasting unverified Asian roots.
Keep that man-lube away from my girl stuff! - Personal lubricants got their start in clinical settings, often involved in vaginal exams. They went from there as handy solutions for vaginal dryness, and to enhance or ease penile or toy penetration, ALL female experiences. Reminder as you read further, females possess vaginas (yes, earth shattering). Now a number of female only branded personal lubricant bottles are hitting the shelves. Wait a minute?!? All these years later are lubricant makers just realizing their products are finding their way into vaginas? This widespread ignorance doesn't really make sense. In all seriousness, these are not formulas that have stripped out harmful or irritating ingredients to simply improve their original product, but swapping out labels from an already existing, and basically harmless product with one that says "For Her". We have compared several of these products to their original counterpart from the same manufacturer and found the ingredients to be...yes... the same!
Where are the horny pills? - We're going to reveal a huge secret here. Ready? Here is the surefire thing that will make you horny: YOU! That's it. No pill, no cream, no drink, nothing else. Desire is a function of the brain. We are all unique in what drives us sexually, and we all respond differently to individual stimulus (or even the same in different circumstances). Beware of ANY product claiming to affect your desire levels. Often all they impact, if anything at all, are physical sensations... often merely topical. How we respond to those sensation is up to us. There is nothing out there that will make us horny when we are not. The creator of such a quick fix would be insanely wealthy by now, and the focus of a media storm. If there were even such a pill, would we really want to all be jumping into bed driven by false feelings of desire? In most cases, diminished libido can be blamed on other physical or mental problems, medication side effects, and/or deeper relationship issues than simply "losing that spark".
Pain in the a#$ - Anal sex! A sex act with a taboo history and an increasingly popular future. A sex act with a heap of bad information, myth, and confusion surrounding it, perhaps more than any other act. We wrote about it in a previous blog entry, and will say it again for good measure.... anal sex/play should not be painful. Pain is a warning signal from the body to stop something, and shouldn't any sex act be pleasurable? Anal sex done right should be fun for the willing participants, and it can be. Forget numbing desensitizers as they may simply block signals that damage is being done. Beyond safe, sane, and consensual, rarely does any sex act have rules. Anal sex may be the exception. The three critical rules for anal sex/play are: LOTS of lube, relaxation, and patience. Notice the list didn't include numbing agent.
For best results, pound away - The biggest disservice that porn, Hollywood sex scenes, and the schoolyard have done for our sexuality is to teach us that fireworks and orgasms ensue for both partners if the penis owning half simply inserts it into the orifice owner and thrusts away for the requisite time period. It has left countless people in serious sexual confidence issues and questioning if their bodies perform properly. They then turn to adult stores (or medical industry) to solve these supposed woes. Men seek out implements, pills, creams, or sprays to stave off "quick" climax, and women search for opposite. We advise: Stop, slow down, do other sex acts, introduce toys, introduce fantasies, and so on... but, most importantly, communicate. Find out what makes each other tick sexually, and what they want out of their sexual activities. You will often find it moves beyond strictly pounding away, and with so MUCH better results.
I saw it in a porn - So, that must mean it's gospel when it comes to how the best sex is to be had, right? Not at all. Related to the "best results" note above, porn's biggest disservice is unintentionally becoming a guidebook to sex (and bodies, but that is another issue entirely...see: huge penis, boobs, etc). These are performers, actors, giving us a visual sexual treat intended to excite and inspire. Like Hollywood, there are all kinds of movie magic going on that we don't see ranging from lighting, makeup, film breaks, editing, directing, and physical prep. Porn gives us engineered, dramatized views of sex. To name a few... adult films give us faked orgasms and excitement, toys used incorrectly, no visual lube use, and the sex acts a set formula regardless of the people and scenario. At the end of the day, enjoy porn for what it is, visual erotica to stimulate the eye and mind. However, think twice about picking up a "How to" video from a porn star and get advice from more practical and safe sources.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
O G-Spot, Where Art Thou?
So you want to G-Spot orgasm? What's a girl to do?? How's a guy to help?? Everyone is talking about it, but no one is telling us how to do it! Never fear, we're here to help with some practical, non-sensational advice. All right then, first let us introduce the topic with some brief history and background.
The "G-Spot". Never has such a spot on the human body been so talked about, so raved about, and so very shrouded in mystery. Named after a German-born physician, Ernst Gräfenberg, the spot's physical existence (location, structure, definition) is hotly debated even today. What IS undeniable is the numerous women who report sexual response resulting from stimulation of the anterior (front) wall of the vagina. Women have reported massive, deep orgasms resulting from the G-spot, some even experiencing female ejaculation with these orgasms (expulsion of fluid, not urine). Recently it has been theorized that the nerve endings and internal structures of the clitoris extend down to the vagina, enabling these vaginal orgasms.
Ever since entering mainstream consciousness in the early 80's, countless women have sought the explosive, deep orgasms promised of the G-spot. Many have failed, frustrated and un-orgasmed (is that even a word?). We are here to tell you there are ways to find and enjoy your G-spot, but to enjoy the journey and not obsess with the destination. Every woman's capacity to stimulate this sensitive spot in the vagina varies from one to the next. Sex toys and other accessories lay claim to being made for the G-spot, but there is more to it than putting a toy inside and expecting one-click away, rocking orgasms.
Without further ado, we will now move on to the heart of the matter.... the where and the how of unlocking the mystery of the G-spot.
WHERE: One of the troubles with the G-spot is it isn't really a spot, with a unique physical differentiation. It doesn't announce itself like a penis or the clitoris. For every woman this area is different in size, location, and level of sensitivity. Sometimes the pesky thing can seem to have a mind of its own, shifting in location and feel (usually related to levels of arousal). If you are having difficulties finding it, this is normal and practice is vital (remember... it's the journey, not the destination!).
On the human map, the g-spot is located just inside the vagina on the anterior (front) wall. Depending on the woman this could be around one to three inches from the opening, but please skip the ruler as this is a generalized measurement. The spot itself is not just one single spot. It is textured, spongy tissue running along the urethra, right against the vagina, that swells during arousal. This tissue is sometimes referred to as the "female prostate" (aka paraurethral glands or skene glands) and is the source of female ejaculate. Female ejaculation is another hotly debated sexual response and when experienced is a result of direct G-spot stimulation.
The easiest method to use in locating the G-spot is inserting one or two fingers, palms facing front of the G-spot owner's body, and curling them in a "come here" type motion. The tips of the finger should be massaging the G-spot area. Because the tissue surrounds the urethra, G-spot massage often comes with the sensation of needing to pee.
HOW: Now you know where the spot is (maybe, sort of?), how does one go about getting it to respond to attention? This can be just as frustrating, and closely related to, finding the G-spot. The three key ingredients to G-spot stimulation... patience, practice, and pressure. Patience is required as a G-spot orgasm is most often not reached overnight, nor even G-spot pleasure in general. Thus, one must practice. The more often you try stimulating the G-spot, the easier it becomes to attain pleasurable results. Lastly, firm pressure from your fingers or toys is essential. Some women may be fine with light stroking, but most will need constant and firm pressure to get results.
Starting out, prospective G-spot explorers should begin with their own fingers. Get familiar with your vagina by touching and massaging the entrance and working your way inward. Pay attention to any changes in texture, paying special attention when you have reached the front facing wall of the vagina. Feel side to side and up and down and try to determine if you detect a spongy structure just under the skin. Curl your fingers and experiment with pressure strokes, from light to very firm. Getting a hand cramp and sore wrist yet? Don't worry! The point of this exercise is not to work to orgasm, but to become more familiar with your body. Some of you may even have that pleasurable "aha!" moment. Repeat this exploration as many times as you like, even introduce clitoral stimulation while doing so (besides being fun, arousal can make the G-spot more prominent).
If using your own hand doesn't bother you, by all means continue if you like! If a wrenched arm and hand is not something you enjoy, the next step is to introduce a partner and/or a toy. If it is a partner have them do the same exploration activity above with their fingers (one or two). Communicate much and often. Let them know by words, sounds, or body language if they are in a good spot. Let them know to use more pressure or less, to move faster or slower. Do not get impatient if there isn't instant pleasure, or if the feeling of needing to pee persists (at least at first). Have your partner simultaneously perform oral, or one of you add a vibrator or hand for the clitoris. Don't worry if you don't orgasm that session and move on to other things, you put in some of that "practice" we talked about.
Adding a toy can make things easier for solo G-spot play, and give a partner's fingers a rest as well. There are literally hundreds of products on the market that say "G-spot" or "G" on their label. This is often because the toy simply has a curved tip and we don't recommend many of them. When selecting a good G-spot toy make sure that it does curve, that the tip is more broad than pointy (no one likes being poked in their vagina), and that it is firm and smooth. It need not vibrate, but is fine if it does. The important part is that it mimics the concept of the "come here" fingers and slides easily while under pressure. A particularly famous G-spot toy is a stainless steel arc ending with bulbous, round ends of different sizes. So, curved, firm, and smooth. Avoid overly pointy and or very soft, flexible toys no matter what the box says.
Now that you have your toy, apply it just as if it were fingers. Using with a dab of lubricant could be beneficial, and we recommend trying it solo before a partner. Then, simply insert the tip, apply pressure and begin firm, slow strokes. Adjust your movements and pressure as is pleasurable to you, and like before feel free to add clitoral stimulation.
There you are, hopefully on your way to adding the deep orgasms of the G-spot to your sexual repertoire! Again, use patience, practice often, and pay attention to pressure. Lastly, don't obsess about the destination, enjoy the journey of G-spot discovery no matter the outcome. Sex is delightful in its variety and all activities big and small contribute to enjoying every minute of it!
The "G-Spot". Never has such a spot on the human body been so talked about, so raved about, and so very shrouded in mystery. Named after a German-born physician, Ernst Gräfenberg, the spot's physical existence (location, structure, definition) is hotly debated even today. What IS undeniable is the numerous women who report sexual response resulting from stimulation of the anterior (front) wall of the vagina. Women have reported massive, deep orgasms resulting from the G-spot, some even experiencing female ejaculation with these orgasms (expulsion of fluid, not urine). Recently it has been theorized that the nerve endings and internal structures of the clitoris extend down to the vagina, enabling these vaginal orgasms.
Ever since entering mainstream consciousness in the early 80's, countless women have sought the explosive, deep orgasms promised of the G-spot. Many have failed, frustrated and un-orgasmed (is that even a word?). We are here to tell you there are ways to find and enjoy your G-spot, but to enjoy the journey and not obsess with the destination. Every woman's capacity to stimulate this sensitive spot in the vagina varies from one to the next. Sex toys and other accessories lay claim to being made for the G-spot, but there is more to it than putting a toy inside and expecting one-click away, rocking orgasms.
Without further ado, we will now move on to the heart of the matter.... the where and the how of unlocking the mystery of the G-spot.
WHERE: One of the troubles with the G-spot is it isn't really a spot, with a unique physical differentiation. It doesn't announce itself like a penis or the clitoris. For every woman this area is different in size, location, and level of sensitivity. Sometimes the pesky thing can seem to have a mind of its own, shifting in location and feel (usually related to levels of arousal). If you are having difficulties finding it, this is normal and practice is vital (remember... it's the journey, not the destination!).
On the human map, the g-spot is located just inside the vagina on the anterior (front) wall. Depending on the woman this could be around one to three inches from the opening, but please skip the ruler as this is a generalized measurement. The spot itself is not just one single spot. It is textured, spongy tissue running along the urethra, right against the vagina, that swells during arousal. This tissue is sometimes referred to as the "female prostate" (aka paraurethral glands or skene glands) and is the source of female ejaculate. Female ejaculation is another hotly debated sexual response and when experienced is a result of direct G-spot stimulation.
The easiest method to use in locating the G-spot is inserting one or two fingers, palms facing front of the G-spot owner's body, and curling them in a "come here" type motion. The tips of the finger should be massaging the G-spot area. Because the tissue surrounds the urethra, G-spot massage often comes with the sensation of needing to pee.
HOW: Now you know where the spot is (maybe, sort of?), how does one go about getting it to respond to attention? This can be just as frustrating, and closely related to, finding the G-spot. The three key ingredients to G-spot stimulation... patience, practice, and pressure. Patience is required as a G-spot orgasm is most often not reached overnight, nor even G-spot pleasure in general. Thus, one must practice. The more often you try stimulating the G-spot, the easier it becomes to attain pleasurable results. Lastly, firm pressure from your fingers or toys is essential. Some women may be fine with light stroking, but most will need constant and firm pressure to get results.
Starting out, prospective G-spot explorers should begin with their own fingers. Get familiar with your vagina by touching and massaging the entrance and working your way inward. Pay attention to any changes in texture, paying special attention when you have reached the front facing wall of the vagina. Feel side to side and up and down and try to determine if you detect a spongy structure just under the skin. Curl your fingers and experiment with pressure strokes, from light to very firm. Getting a hand cramp and sore wrist yet? Don't worry! The point of this exercise is not to work to orgasm, but to become more familiar with your body. Some of you may even have that pleasurable "aha!" moment. Repeat this exploration as many times as you like, even introduce clitoral stimulation while doing so (besides being fun, arousal can make the G-spot more prominent).
If using your own hand doesn't bother you, by all means continue if you like! If a wrenched arm and hand is not something you enjoy, the next step is to introduce a partner and/or a toy. If it is a partner have them do the same exploration activity above with their fingers (one or two). Communicate much and often. Let them know by words, sounds, or body language if they are in a good spot. Let them know to use more pressure or less, to move faster or slower. Do not get impatient if there isn't instant pleasure, or if the feeling of needing to pee persists (at least at first). Have your partner simultaneously perform oral, or one of you add a vibrator or hand for the clitoris. Don't worry if you don't orgasm that session and move on to other things, you put in some of that "practice" we talked about.
Adding a toy can make things easier for solo G-spot play, and give a partner's fingers a rest as well. There are literally hundreds of products on the market that say "G-spot" or "G" on their label. This is often because the toy simply has a curved tip and we don't recommend many of them. When selecting a good G-spot toy make sure that it does curve, that the tip is more broad than pointy (no one likes being poked in their vagina), and that it is firm and smooth. It need not vibrate, but is fine if it does. The important part is that it mimics the concept of the "come here" fingers and slides easily while under pressure. A particularly famous G-spot toy is a stainless steel arc ending with bulbous, round ends of different sizes. So, curved, firm, and smooth. Avoid overly pointy and or very soft, flexible toys no matter what the box says.
Now that you have your toy, apply it just as if it were fingers. Using with a dab of lubricant could be beneficial, and we recommend trying it solo before a partner. Then, simply insert the tip, apply pressure and begin firm, slow strokes. Adjust your movements and pressure as is pleasurable to you, and like before feel free to add clitoral stimulation.
There you are, hopefully on your way to adding the deep orgasms of the G-spot to your sexual repertoire! Again, use patience, practice often, and pay attention to pressure. Lastly, don't obsess about the destination, enjoy the journey of G-spot discovery no matter the outcome. Sex is delightful in its variety and all activities big and small contribute to enjoying every minute of it!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Fun with words!
The sex accessory industry is full of terms and labels, some more well-known than others. Save the occasional loud bar discussions about various sexual implements with your friends, many of us are rarely (if ever) exposed to the actual meanings of these words. Once again (like sex in general), we are left to our own devices to figure out what to call that toy we're after, what that lube we love is made of, or what the heck an adjustable press nipple clamp does anyway?? Part of our job here at the store is to decipher what someone is looking for when they can't find the right words to explain it, which we do gladly. We understand the challenge and try to remember that this is something we think, talk, and handle on a daily basis. How many jobs out there is it perfectly acceptable to loudly discuss "cyber cocks" or "pussy & ass strokers"? Anyway, enough of the sophisticated talk... let's discuss a few of our world's more mysterious or delightful terms so you can amaze your friends, or simply make your next shopping trip all the easier (while impressing the employees with your immense vocabulary!).
Dong/Dildo - Yes, if you've made it past puberty you've probably heard these words, but do you really know the meaning? These are usually any NON-vibrating phallic object intended for insertion (vaginal or anal). They range from ultra-realistic penis replicas with dual densities to abstract works of art made of glass or steel. What's a dong and what's a dildo, you ask? First, there really is little difference between the two. We have even struggled to nail down a definitive comparison. Our own manufacturers can't seem to make up their mind which is a dildo and which is a dong. From a customer's perspective, just choose your favorite word and go with it, we'll understand what you are talking about.
NOTE: A dildo or dong is not a vibrator. If asked for a dildo, we head to the non-vibrating section. Even saying "vibrating dildo" will help if looking for a vibrating object. Again, some manufacturers even refer to more realistic looking and feeling vibrators as vibrating dongs or dildos. Consistency in the sex toy naming department? Not so much.
BDSM - Hey now, that's not even a WORD! True, it's an acronym and umbrella term for a lifestyle, sexual activity, and/or product involving Bondage, Dominance/Discipline, Submission/Sadism, or Masochism (exact words used may vary depending on the source). BDSM has become increasingly popular and "mainstream" (50 Shades of Grey anyone?) because of relaxed attitudes and the myriad of ways and levels it can be enjoyed. If you're in the market for a blindfold, cuffs, whip, paddle, crop, nipple clamps, electro sex kit, wartenberg wheel, rope, bondage tape, spreader bar, and so VERY much more... you are a proud BDSM participant! You don't have to be a leather clad dominatrix, or a collar-lead slave submissive to enjoy BDSM. Like many aspects of sex it is however you like it, even if it is a pair of soft cuffs and a feather tickler. No matter the activity or level always remember this... the basic three principles, the foundation, of any, and we mean any, BDSM play is safe, sane, and consensual. Any BDSM interaction is at its roots an exhange of power and trust, and the three principles allow that exchange to occur for the benefit of all involved.
Rabbit - Not the fluffy, hippity hoppity kind. We're talking about the kind of vibrator that has steadily rose in popularity ever since its introduction into the US in about the mid-1980's. By itself, the word doesn't refer to any one specific product, but a whole family of vibrators that have a shaft for vaginal insertion and an attached clitoral vibrator. We prefer to refer to them as "dual vibes" as they are just that, vibrators that give a woman simultaneous stimulation to both internal and external happy spots. There are many, many different designs (including the popular rotating beads on the shaft). The word rabbit only came into use because the first dual vibes imported from Japan had the tickling part of the clitoral vibe literally shaped as bunnies, especially bunny ears. Many manufacturers still use this shape today, as well as you might see nubs, ticklers, bears, ducks, hummingbirds, butterflies, dolphins, and more!
Ben Wa Balls - We honestly don't know the exact history behind this name, and for all we know it was made up to give the product a more exotic sounding mystique and appeal (not unknown in this industry). Like "rabbit", it has become synonomous with a grouping of products that are ball shaped and intended for placement inside the vagina. Fortunately, the term "Ben Wa" is slowly disappearing in favor of more practical names like "pleasure balls" or "kegel balls".
Here is what they are for... 1) Pelvic floor muscle exercise (Kegel), and 2) Vaginal stimulation solo or with penetration. Exercise is easy to understand and explain, and one of the best uses of these products. Depending on the design and without much more detail, simply insert into vagina and hold for period of time (doing so routinely). The result will be improved sexual response, vaginal elasticity, and/or bladder control. The pleasure use is much more difficult to guarantee good results (if any results at all). The shifting/banging movement could provide sexual teasing to some women, and the pressure or novelty of their presence during intercourse could heighten sexual pleasure for others. If you're interested, go for it! That's the joy of sex, variety.
Warning! - We've heard many customers and even people within the industry say these balls are also for anal use. We strongly advise against it and this is not the products intended use. The ER of hospitals has many, many stories of objects lodged in people's rectums. We're sure most of us don't want to be the subject of those stories. Balls with connected retrieval cords may work, but are far from fail-safe. Just find an anal appropriate toy such as anal beads or ripple plugs.
That's all for this Fun With Words! Ever wonder what some sex accessory words mean, or even just a sex related word? Just ask us!
Dong/Dildo - Yes, if you've made it past puberty you've probably heard these words, but do you really know the meaning? These are usually any NON-vibrating phallic object intended for insertion (vaginal or anal). They range from ultra-realistic penis replicas with dual densities to abstract works of art made of glass or steel. What's a dong and what's a dildo, you ask? First, there really is little difference between the two. We have even struggled to nail down a definitive comparison. Our own manufacturers can't seem to make up their mind which is a dildo and which is a dong. From a customer's perspective, just choose your favorite word and go with it, we'll understand what you are talking about.
NOTE: A dildo or dong is not a vibrator. If asked for a dildo, we head to the non-vibrating section. Even saying "vibrating dildo" will help if looking for a vibrating object. Again, some manufacturers even refer to more realistic looking and feeling vibrators as vibrating dongs or dildos. Consistency in the sex toy naming department? Not so much.
BDSM - Hey now, that's not even a WORD! True, it's an acronym and umbrella term for a lifestyle, sexual activity, and/or product involving Bondage, Dominance/Discipline, Submission/Sadism, or Masochism (exact words used may vary depending on the source). BDSM has become increasingly popular and "mainstream" (50 Shades of Grey anyone?) because of relaxed attitudes and the myriad of ways and levels it can be enjoyed. If you're in the market for a blindfold, cuffs, whip, paddle, crop, nipple clamps, electro sex kit, wartenberg wheel, rope, bondage tape, spreader bar, and so VERY much more... you are a proud BDSM participant! You don't have to be a leather clad dominatrix, or a collar-lead slave submissive to enjoy BDSM. Like many aspects of sex it is however you like it, even if it is a pair of soft cuffs and a feather tickler. No matter the activity or level always remember this... the basic three principles, the foundation, of any, and we mean any, BDSM play is safe, sane, and consensual. Any BDSM interaction is at its roots an exhange of power and trust, and the three principles allow that exchange to occur for the benefit of all involved.
Rabbit - Not the fluffy, hippity hoppity kind. We're talking about the kind of vibrator that has steadily rose in popularity ever since its introduction into the US in about the mid-1980's. By itself, the word doesn't refer to any one specific product, but a whole family of vibrators that have a shaft for vaginal insertion and an attached clitoral vibrator. We prefer to refer to them as "dual vibes" as they are just that, vibrators that give a woman simultaneous stimulation to both internal and external happy spots. There are many, many different designs (including the popular rotating beads on the shaft). The word rabbit only came into use because the first dual vibes imported from Japan had the tickling part of the clitoral vibe literally shaped as bunnies, especially bunny ears. Many manufacturers still use this shape today, as well as you might see nubs, ticklers, bears, ducks, hummingbirds, butterflies, dolphins, and more!
Ben Wa Balls - We honestly don't know the exact history behind this name, and for all we know it was made up to give the product a more exotic sounding mystique and appeal (not unknown in this industry). Like "rabbit", it has become synonomous with a grouping of products that are ball shaped and intended for placement inside the vagina. Fortunately, the term "Ben Wa" is slowly disappearing in favor of more practical names like "pleasure balls" or "kegel balls".
Here is what they are for... 1) Pelvic floor muscle exercise (Kegel), and 2) Vaginal stimulation solo or with penetration. Exercise is easy to understand and explain, and one of the best uses of these products. Depending on the design and without much more detail, simply insert into vagina and hold for period of time (doing so routinely). The result will be improved sexual response, vaginal elasticity, and/or bladder control. The pleasure use is much more difficult to guarantee good results (if any results at all). The shifting/banging movement could provide sexual teasing to some women, and the pressure or novelty of their presence during intercourse could heighten sexual pleasure for others. If you're interested, go for it! That's the joy of sex, variety.
Warning! - We've heard many customers and even people within the industry say these balls are also for anal use. We strongly advise against it and this is not the products intended use. The ER of hospitals has many, many stories of objects lodged in people's rectums. We're sure most of us don't want to be the subject of those stories. Balls with connected retrieval cords may work, but are far from fail-safe. Just find an anal appropriate toy such as anal beads or ripple plugs.
That's all for this Fun With Words! Ever wonder what some sex accessory words mean, or even just a sex related word? Just ask us!
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Getting down and strapping on
Strap-ons. A combination of wearable harness and dildo or dong that remains a complete mystery to some, and the go-to sexual accessory for others. For many folks may have some preconceived notions about who might use a strap-on, or why, they might be surprised. Strap-on use is quite popular across all sexes and orientations, and this popularity only seems to grow. Not only do we see this in our own store, but the growing volume of web sites, product variety, retail floor space, how-to's, and adult film focused on strap-on usage is a strong indicator of just how much. So strap in, strap on, and read on about the uses of this increasingly popular sex toy.
Who uses them?
Lesbian couples - A strap on is a great toy for female couples looking to add penetration to their sexual repertoire. No matter the sexual orientation of its owner, many a vagina still enjoys penetration. A strap on not only provides internal (vaginal or anal) stimulation to the receiver, but the wearer experiences being in control and giving of pleasure to their partner. For some it also adds a sense of excitement to gender role switch, power play, or fit into sexual roles of the "top" (wearer) and "bottom" (receiver).
Straight women - Increasing in popularity is straight women wearing a strap on to use on their male partners, commonly known as "pegging". It may surprise some but we estimate we sell strap ons more frequently to straight couples than not. Couples who enjoy gender role reversal, or female domination, often find a strap on a fantastic toy. Women can find that wearing the male equivalent of sexual virility gives them a sense of power unlike any other. Also, many straight men have discovered that anal and prostate stimulation are great sources of pleasure after pushing aside the false belief that anal pleasure makes them "gay".
Straight or gay men - Wait, men already have penises, right? Why would they need a strap on for? This is a question we overhear countless times when shoppers pass the strap on section and see those featured on men. There are three reasons why. First, to add inches or girth. For guys wanting to grant their partner a bigger penis a strap on gives them the ability to be whichever size they and their partner want. Second, for erection issues. When for whatever reason a man is having difficulty gaining or keeping an erection, a strap on never quits. Lastly, to double penetrate. A strap on gives a straight man another penis, so to speak, to provide anal and vaginal pleasure simultaneously.
What kinds are there?
There are a variety of styles. The differences fall in either the harness itself or the inserts (dildos/dongs/plugs).
The harnesses can differ in materials used, how they fasten and tighten, and in number of straps. Materials used vary from nylon, plastics, neoprene, and leather. Neoprene and nylon clean easier and breath, while leather has a distinct look and feel and is quite strong. Most harnesses on the market fasten their dong on by a ring that holds the flared based against the wearers body once the harness is tightened. One manufacturer uses a plug system that inserts into a specifically made dong to hold it on the harness. Both designs allow the user to change attachments.
Strap count indicates weather a harness is a "single" or "double" strap harness, meaning how many straps run between the legs of the wearer. A single strap harness looks a lot like a pair of underwear and has a single crotch strap running from front to back. A double strap harness has two straps running from the front, down around each thigh and back up to the waist strap. This difference is fairly important as double strap harnesses allow access to the genitals and anus, as well as giving male wearers a more comfortable way to tuck their non-erect penis.
The attachments are as numerous as there are standard dildos, a size, color, and shape for every taste. For ring harnesses a dildo/dong must have a flared base, suction cup, or "balls" to secure itself behind the ring. No need to worry, these design styles are very common. Choosing which one is entirely up to the user at this point. Look to just get started pegging? A shorter, slender dong might be a good choice. Love the look and feel of an honest to gosh erect penis? The realistic shaped and colored dildo with balls would be a great call. Looking for some vibrating fun or stimulation? Add a vibrating dong, or properly placed small vibe in the harness and the wearer (and possibly receiver) will receive some added stimulation.
Lastly, there are harness and attachment options for specific wants and kinks. Look hard enough and you can have nearly everything in a strap on. There are double ended dongs that simultaneously penetrate the wearer and receiver, and versions that have both a dong and plug (for anal or vaginal). There are double penetrating versions that allow penetration of both the vagina and anus of a female receiver. There are harnesses designed specifically for men that have hollow dongs to fit their penis in, and harnesses that have design elements to accommodate a penis and an attachment. There are thigh harnesses, foot harnesses, and head harnesses. The list goes on and on!
The world of strap ons is diverse, and there is something for everyone. Throw out any preconceived notions you might of had and you may find a strap on an important (and hot) part of your bedroom adventures!!
Thinking of strapping on? Hopefully this introduction helps and, as always, don't hesitate to ask us more questions about what to select for your strap on desires.
Who uses them?
Lesbian couples - A strap on is a great toy for female couples looking to add penetration to their sexual repertoire. No matter the sexual orientation of its owner, many a vagina still enjoys penetration. A strap on not only provides internal (vaginal or anal) stimulation to the receiver, but the wearer experiences being in control and giving of pleasure to their partner. For some it also adds a sense of excitement to gender role switch, power play, or fit into sexual roles of the "top" (wearer) and "bottom" (receiver).
Straight women - Increasing in popularity is straight women wearing a strap on to use on their male partners, commonly known as "pegging". It may surprise some but we estimate we sell strap ons more frequently to straight couples than not. Couples who enjoy gender role reversal, or female domination, often find a strap on a fantastic toy. Women can find that wearing the male equivalent of sexual virility gives them a sense of power unlike any other. Also, many straight men have discovered that anal and prostate stimulation are great sources of pleasure after pushing aside the false belief that anal pleasure makes them "gay".
Straight or gay men - Wait, men already have penises, right? Why would they need a strap on for? This is a question we overhear countless times when shoppers pass the strap on section and see those featured on men. There are three reasons why. First, to add inches or girth. For guys wanting to grant their partner a bigger penis a strap on gives them the ability to be whichever size they and their partner want. Second, for erection issues. When for whatever reason a man is having difficulty gaining or keeping an erection, a strap on never quits. Lastly, to double penetrate. A strap on gives a straight man another penis, so to speak, to provide anal and vaginal pleasure simultaneously.
What kinds are there?
There are a variety of styles. The differences fall in either the harness itself or the inserts (dildos/dongs/plugs).
The harnesses can differ in materials used, how they fasten and tighten, and in number of straps. Materials used vary from nylon, plastics, neoprene, and leather. Neoprene and nylon clean easier and breath, while leather has a distinct look and feel and is quite strong. Most harnesses on the market fasten their dong on by a ring that holds the flared based against the wearers body once the harness is tightened. One manufacturer uses a plug system that inserts into a specifically made dong to hold it on the harness. Both designs allow the user to change attachments.
Strap count indicates weather a harness is a "single" or "double" strap harness, meaning how many straps run between the legs of the wearer. A single strap harness looks a lot like a pair of underwear and has a single crotch strap running from front to back. A double strap harness has two straps running from the front, down around each thigh and back up to the waist strap. This difference is fairly important as double strap harnesses allow access to the genitals and anus, as well as giving male wearers a more comfortable way to tuck their non-erect penis.
The attachments are as numerous as there are standard dildos, a size, color, and shape for every taste. For ring harnesses a dildo/dong must have a flared base, suction cup, or "balls" to secure itself behind the ring. No need to worry, these design styles are very common. Choosing which one is entirely up to the user at this point. Look to just get started pegging? A shorter, slender dong might be a good choice. Love the look and feel of an honest to gosh erect penis? The realistic shaped and colored dildo with balls would be a great call. Looking for some vibrating fun or stimulation? Add a vibrating dong, or properly placed small vibe in the harness and the wearer (and possibly receiver) will receive some added stimulation.
Lastly, there are harness and attachment options for specific wants and kinks. Look hard enough and you can have nearly everything in a strap on. There are double ended dongs that simultaneously penetrate the wearer and receiver, and versions that have both a dong and plug (for anal or vaginal). There are double penetrating versions that allow penetration of both the vagina and anus of a female receiver. There are harnesses designed specifically for men that have hollow dongs to fit their penis in, and harnesses that have design elements to accommodate a penis and an attachment. There are thigh harnesses, foot harnesses, and head harnesses. The list goes on and on!
The world of strap ons is diverse, and there is something for everyone. Throw out any preconceived notions you might of had and you may find a strap on an important (and hot) part of your bedroom adventures!!
Thinking of strapping on? Hopefully this introduction helps and, as always, don't hesitate to ask us more questions about what to select for your strap on desires.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Yes No Maybe
One of the biggest challenges facing many a relationship is talking about sex. We mean getting right down into it and talking details about your and your partner's sexual interests. Lack of open, honest, and non-judgmental is most often the culprit of sexual dissatisfaction in a relationship. Frequently one partner doesn't even know what the other partner is interested in doing, what they fantasize about, or what they are willing to try. The great part is that there is more than one way to communicate. When talking becomes too great a challenge, we suggest learning about one another through an activity called a "Yes/No/Maybe List".
Before we describe the what and how of the "Yes/No/Maybe List", let us preface the activity with these two helpful notes you should keep in mind:
Out with the weird: "Weird", and the concept of being outside of "normal", should absolutely be abandoned to keep a sexual relationship healthy. Many of us fear judgement or rejection when exposing our most intimate sexual interests. Trust in a relationship is vital, and we owe this respect when handling our partner's deepest sexual thoughts. Before starting your Yes/No/Maybe, forget any judgmental word. Words such as "weird", "normal", or "gross" do not exist anymore.
Be GGG: There is a very useful acronym created by Seattle based sex advice columnist Dan Savage, which is "GGG". It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and is intended as a mantra of sorts in a sexual relationship. It also makes for a great perspective on sexuality in general. It asks us to work at being good in bed, giving equal time and pleasure to your partner, and game for anything (within reason). Apply GGG when new activities are brought up, when expressing your own desires, and when your partner expresses theirs. Granted, this is an oversimplification of complex relationship dynamics, but gives us something to aspire towards.
So, instead of looking at sex as a scale with personal marks at "normal" and "kinky" or "weird", begin looking at sex as world with many ports. There isn't any "normal", and we should all strive to be GGG about our partner and with sexuality in general.
On to YES/NO/MAYBE!: You are now ready for the list, which we will abbreviate it to YNM List from here on out. It is a simple, yet effective, way to lay a lot of our sexual cards on the table for the chosen one (or more if desired) to see. At its most basic, the YNM List is a list of sexual acts, each with a "yes", "no", and "maybe" check box associated with it. The list itself can be comprised of anything and there are a number of already created versions out there on the internet. A simple web search for "yes no maybe list" should bring up plenty of results. It is probably ideal if a third party creates it so no bias creeps into the list, or any conflict over what is or is not in the list. (see bottom of this entry for short example)
Each person is given a copy to complete on their own, and only on their own. For each sex act a yes is marked if it something you do and enjoy, a no is marked if you do not like it or have absolutely no interest, and a maybe is marked if it is something you have interest in doing or are game to try. Be honest and true to yourself when answering. Expect some to be easy to answer and others to be more difficult. The list doesn't have to be completed in one sitting and is up to the discretion of those involved when to finish.
Once the YNM list is completed, it's time to compare notes. Starting at the top, both participants give their answers. If the answers match, then there is clear agreement sexually and no discussion is absolutely necessary (though no reason you can't discuss). Matching answers for an act neither of you have done together are fantastic surprises and should be worked into your sexual repertoires and soon. If the answers do not match, then here is where the YNM list can help open us up to sharing our sexual selves with our partners. This is the point in the YNM list exercise that it is most critical to remain open and non-judgmental. Remember out with the weird and GGG. Feel free to ask questions and share details and perspectives.
Pretty simple right? Simple, yet very effective. The YNM list acts as a neutral medium that brings up the topics we can discuss regarding our sexuality. It brings up the questions we may never have the courage to ask, or the acts we secretly wish would happen but just can't figure out how to suggest it. It should be fun and will most likely reveal things about ourselves and our partners that may have taken years (if ever) to be brought out into the open.
We recommend keeping your lists after they are done, maybe even jot down notes you think are important. In another year or two, repeat filling out the same YNM list. Compare your answers and discussions to previous lists and see what has changed... it might be surprising.
Examples of YNM list acts:
- Feet/toe kiss - sucking - licking
- Vaginal intercourse - penis
- Vibrator during intercourse
- Anal intercourse - penis
- Analingus
- Cunnilingus
- Spanking
- Bondage light - wrists
- Bondage heavy - wrists & ankles
- Food play
- Role playing
- Role reversal
- Dirty talk during intercourse
- Slapping
- Swinging - threesome
etc....
Before we describe the what and how of the "Yes/No/Maybe List", let us preface the activity with these two helpful notes you should keep in mind:
Out with the weird: "Weird", and the concept of being outside of "normal", should absolutely be abandoned to keep a sexual relationship healthy. Many of us fear judgement or rejection when exposing our most intimate sexual interests. Trust in a relationship is vital, and we owe this respect when handling our partner's deepest sexual thoughts. Before starting your Yes/No/Maybe, forget any judgmental word. Words such as "weird", "normal", or "gross" do not exist anymore.
Be GGG: There is a very useful acronym created by Seattle based sex advice columnist Dan Savage, which is "GGG". It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and is intended as a mantra of sorts in a sexual relationship. It also makes for a great perspective on sexuality in general. It asks us to work at being good in bed, giving equal time and pleasure to your partner, and game for anything (within reason). Apply GGG when new activities are brought up, when expressing your own desires, and when your partner expresses theirs. Granted, this is an oversimplification of complex relationship dynamics, but gives us something to aspire towards.
So, instead of looking at sex as a scale with personal marks at "normal" and "kinky" or "weird", begin looking at sex as world with many ports. There isn't any "normal", and we should all strive to be GGG about our partner and with sexuality in general.
On to YES/NO/MAYBE!: You are now ready for the list, which we will abbreviate it to YNM List from here on out. It is a simple, yet effective, way to lay a lot of our sexual cards on the table for the chosen one (or more if desired) to see. At its most basic, the YNM List is a list of sexual acts, each with a "yes", "no", and "maybe" check box associated with it. The list itself can be comprised of anything and there are a number of already created versions out there on the internet. A simple web search for "yes no maybe list" should bring up plenty of results. It is probably ideal if a third party creates it so no bias creeps into the list, or any conflict over what is or is not in the list. (see bottom of this entry for short example)
Each person is given a copy to complete on their own, and only on their own. For each sex act a yes is marked if it something you do and enjoy, a no is marked if you do not like it or have absolutely no interest, and a maybe is marked if it is something you have interest in doing or are game to try. Be honest and true to yourself when answering. Expect some to be easy to answer and others to be more difficult. The list doesn't have to be completed in one sitting and is up to the discretion of those involved when to finish.
Once the YNM list is completed, it's time to compare notes. Starting at the top, both participants give their answers. If the answers match, then there is clear agreement sexually and no discussion is absolutely necessary (though no reason you can't discuss). Matching answers for an act neither of you have done together are fantastic surprises and should be worked into your sexual repertoires and soon. If the answers do not match, then here is where the YNM list can help open us up to sharing our sexual selves with our partners. This is the point in the YNM list exercise that it is most critical to remain open and non-judgmental. Remember out with the weird and GGG. Feel free to ask questions and share details and perspectives.
Pretty simple right? Simple, yet very effective. The YNM list acts as a neutral medium that brings up the topics we can discuss regarding our sexuality. It brings up the questions we may never have the courage to ask, or the acts we secretly wish would happen but just can't figure out how to suggest it. It should be fun and will most likely reveal things about ourselves and our partners that may have taken years (if ever) to be brought out into the open.
We recommend keeping your lists after they are done, maybe even jot down notes you think are important. In another year or two, repeat filling out the same YNM list. Compare your answers and discussions to previous lists and see what has changed... it might be surprising.
Examples of YNM list acts:
- Feet/toe kiss - sucking - licking
- Vaginal intercourse - penis
- Vibrator during intercourse
- Anal intercourse - penis
- Analingus
- Cunnilingus
- Spanking
- Bondage light - wrists
- Bondage heavy - wrists & ankles
- Food play
- Role playing
- Role reversal
- Dirty talk during intercourse
- Slapping
- Swinging - threesome
etc....
Friday, June 21, 2013
Pain in my a#$
You may have guessed a little something about this entry from the title. Yes, it's going to be about anal sex. Now, we could fill many entries with information and discussions of anal sex, but for this one we will focus on one specific topic. We will be discussing anal desensitizers and how they (and pain) don't need to be a part of your rear end repertoire. If you are interested in trying anal play, merely curious, or actively partaking... the following is a must read. It is by no means groundbreaking information and many a sex expert has said this before us, but we thought we should add our voice to the mix. That is simply because this is an area we continually hear many questions (and mistakes) about.
Anyone who has tried anal play is no doubt familiar with the body's reactions to hasty anal penetration. Pain and discomfort are common experiences. Fear not! Sex product industry to the rescue! Many years ago products began hitting the market to "help" with those two conditions, claiming to ease and relax for greater pleasure. Fantastic, right!? Well, not exactly. Nearly all these products contain a common topical anesthetic that numb the nerves in the skin, in this case the nerves of the anus and anal canal. While this numbing may seem like a really helpful idea on the surface, it can actually detract from the enjoyment of anal play and even lead to bodily damage.
Fact: Anal sex does not need to hurt. We meet many customers who think that pain is just part of anal sex no matter what. We say unwanted pain has no place in any kind of sex. After all, we do it to have fun! Countless people enjoy anal play without pain or discomfort, and without any kind of anal desensitizer. The desensitizer numbs the very nerves that will give that pleasure, having the same effect as slathering the penis, clitoris, nipple, or any erogenous zone with anesthetic. A huge part of sex is the body's reaction to pleasurable stimulus, and no feeling means no stimulus. Why have sex without feeling, and thus, why have anal sex without it?
Not only is pleasure being numbed, but the pain is, too. This is the strongest reason to be careful, or not use, anal desenstizers. Pain is the body's natural reaction to real or potential harm, and a signal to do something to stop it. Pain and discomfort with anal sex is the body signalling it is worried about or is experiencing damage. If the nerves are numbed you will never know if damage is occurring. Anal tears or worse can make your day after (or longer) fairly miserable. Ironic, considering the product is meant to avoid pain and discomfort.
The pain-free solution: Lube, Relaxation, and Patience. All three of these must be present for a pleasurable anal sex encounter. A common misconception about the anal desensitizers is that they are also a lubricant. They are NOT. Another misconception (not helped by porn) is that the butt is primed and ready for penetration, no additives required. It is NOT. Lubricant, lots of it, is a must for anal. We tell our customers that once you think you have added enough, add more. You cannot over do it. The difference between too little and enough is extraordinary.
The next two ingredients for a pleasurable rear end escapade are equally important. Due to its physiological design, the anal opening isn't receptive to hasty and unwelcome visitors... but it is quite flexible and can be persuaded. The recipient must be relaxed and both parties must be patient and go about it slowly. A quote we read from an experienced anal sex participant couldn't be more appropriate here and states her partner must "romance her ass". So true. Expect a slower sexual encounter and one with active communication between partners. Do relaxing activities before hand, set expectations, and do plenty of foreplay leading up to the act. Progressive penetration can very much help those new to it, starting with smaller items and working your way up.
With the above three ingredients, you should be well on your way to enjoyable and comfortable anal sex without a desensitizer. With experience, anal play can become as regular an activity as you want it to be!
As with anything sexual, we absolutely understand every person's body and preferences are different. If you still have questions, please do not hesitate to ask us! It was what we are here for.
Anyone who has tried anal play is no doubt familiar with the body's reactions to hasty anal penetration. Pain and discomfort are common experiences. Fear not! Sex product industry to the rescue! Many years ago products began hitting the market to "help" with those two conditions, claiming to ease and relax for greater pleasure. Fantastic, right!? Well, not exactly. Nearly all these products contain a common topical anesthetic that numb the nerves in the skin, in this case the nerves of the anus and anal canal. While this numbing may seem like a really helpful idea on the surface, it can actually detract from the enjoyment of anal play and even lead to bodily damage.
Fact: Anal sex does not need to hurt. We meet many customers who think that pain is just part of anal sex no matter what. We say unwanted pain has no place in any kind of sex. After all, we do it to have fun! Countless people enjoy anal play without pain or discomfort, and without any kind of anal desensitizer. The desensitizer numbs the very nerves that will give that pleasure, having the same effect as slathering the penis, clitoris, nipple, or any erogenous zone with anesthetic. A huge part of sex is the body's reaction to pleasurable stimulus, and no feeling means no stimulus. Why have sex without feeling, and thus, why have anal sex without it?
Not only is pleasure being numbed, but the pain is, too. This is the strongest reason to be careful, or not use, anal desenstizers. Pain is the body's natural reaction to real or potential harm, and a signal to do something to stop it. Pain and discomfort with anal sex is the body signalling it is worried about or is experiencing damage. If the nerves are numbed you will never know if damage is occurring. Anal tears or worse can make your day after (or longer) fairly miserable. Ironic, considering the product is meant to avoid pain and discomfort.
The pain-free solution: Lube, Relaxation, and Patience. All three of these must be present for a pleasurable anal sex encounter. A common misconception about the anal desensitizers is that they are also a lubricant. They are NOT. Another misconception (not helped by porn) is that the butt is primed and ready for penetration, no additives required. It is NOT. Lubricant, lots of it, is a must for anal. We tell our customers that once you think you have added enough, add more. You cannot over do it. The difference between too little and enough is extraordinary.
The next two ingredients for a pleasurable rear end escapade are equally important. Due to its physiological design, the anal opening isn't receptive to hasty and unwelcome visitors... but it is quite flexible and can be persuaded. The recipient must be relaxed and both parties must be patient and go about it slowly. A quote we read from an experienced anal sex participant couldn't be more appropriate here and states her partner must "romance her ass". So true. Expect a slower sexual encounter and one with active communication between partners. Do relaxing activities before hand, set expectations, and do plenty of foreplay leading up to the act. Progressive penetration can very much help those new to it, starting with smaller items and working your way up.
With the above three ingredients, you should be well on your way to enjoyable and comfortable anal sex without a desensitizer. With experience, anal play can become as regular an activity as you want it to be!
As with anything sexual, we absolutely understand every person's body and preferences are different. If you still have questions, please do not hesitate to ask us! It was what we are here for.
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